Silk Road

"Some scholars prefer the term "Silk Routes" because the road included an extensive network of routes." - Wikipedia

Scholars from the "Silk Routes" school of thought are what we normal people call "nerds." This is evidenced by both their failure to recognize the obvious aesthetic superiority of "Silk Road," and more alarmingly by the fact that they have continued in their studies of the Silk Road beyond 6th grade World History.

This is a picture of Silk Road

Yesterday, while enjoying our semi-monthly urban camel caravan The Loop Lunch Club came across Silk Road at 19 S La Salle, where, like the hungry Mediterranean businessmen of centuries past we stopped in to sample some of the Oriental exports. Unfortunately, China's main export that day was Americanized generic fast food. I'm referring, of course, to the food court staple that every American regards with equal parts disgust and shameful craving.

This is the brick road leading
to Silk Road

"It's better than Panda Express," said Dan Spira, though he'd later lament the inferior quality of Silk Road's single compartment containers as worse than their dual-action Panda Express counterparts. The separation of entrees and sides would have done wonders in negating the effects of over-saucing. "My one gripe with this orange chicken," Said Dan Ofman, brandishing the word 'gripe' in place of so many more popular alternatives, "is that it's too saucy."

Window signage at Silk Road informs traveling merchants and LLCers alike of the daily specials, which are expansive in that they include every chicken dish every day. Not a bad deal. The most popular item is the spicy chicken that Danny Rubenstein (the selector of this week's spot) explained is "very spicy already" as he added extra spicy sauce to his meal.

Remind me to eat more vegetables that aren't slathered in Silk Road sauce

The restaurant is laid out like a game of minesweeper. There are a lot of safe tables for anywhere from 1-7 people to sit, though there are also smelly bomb zones where extremely large people clog up the aisles and end your fun. The seating arrangement at our table was cramped, fostering an intimate atmosphere of sharing that, like most meals involving multiple Ofman brothers, was for me an outflow of resources.

Rookie Rick, seen here making
an offer you can't refuse in
front of a meal you should refuse

Making a guest appearance at this week's meeting was Rookie Rick Ofman, the most scholarly of all LLC guests. When Rookie Rick was instructed to learn from his mistakes regarding the limits of his debauchery the history teacher responded, "I can't!"

Silk Road did have a few redeeming qualities. The egg roll was pretty good. "Gooey, warm, and cripsy," said Dan Ofman. Mine may been a bit too crispy, just ask my original fork (below). No doubt you're curious as to why I, a man who discussed his proclivity for chopsticks with such vigor in his review of Hot Woks Cool Sushi, would be using a plastic fork to begin with. The answer, sadly, is that Silk Road didn't offer, and may not have had any chopsticks available.

After falling on hard tines

"You will find an outlet for your
creative genius and accomplish a
great deal." Damn Straight.

Portions at Silk Road were substantial. "They give you a lot of food," said Rubenstein. He'd go on to clarify this statement by adding, "It's not not a lot of food." Despite the large portions orders were dished up extremely fast. My tray, complete with fortune cookie, was pushed my way before I had even pocketed my wallet. "Rubenstein only goes places with free cookies," said Steve "Exception to the Rule" Lake, who arrived punctually.

Even the serving spoons look like they're trying to escape

In my experience, food that sits beneath a hot lamp in a big tray that rests over warm water typically develops a watery, diluted flavor. My chicken and cashews meal was no exception. It was bland, over sauced, and only redeemed by its not being fried and therefore not making me feel as bad as I otherwise might have. Still, I ended the meal by stating, "Well, I feel terrible."

"Yeah," said Dan Ofman, "I do not feel good." Silk Road's product exemplifies the difference between food that satisfies hunger versus food that violently destroys an appetite. Unlike Rick Ofman, I hope to learn from this mistake.


Silk Road Notes:

• I'd like to apologize to "Silk Routes" scholars. A brief study of the subject revealed that it is in fact very interesting material and the term "Silk Routes" would be more accurate. I suggest a compromise of "Silk Roads."
• Reminiscent of his infamous "11:45 SHARP" email Rubenstein insisted to the group to "bring your chopsticks" yet failed to bring his own.
• The menu board was in the style of a Vienna Beef stand
• Walking past Maxim's I failed to catch a glimpse of Ms. Russia. She must be playing hard to nyet.

Maxim's Restaurant

"I judge a restaurant by the bread and the coffee." - Burt Lancaster

As much as it pains me to question the judgment of the man who played Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham, The Loop Lunch Club believes that to truly go the distance in finding the Loop's best lunch spot one must possess a more thorough criteria. Thus, we also place a great deal of importance on waitress attractiveness. This week's LLC meeting at Maxim's Restaurant at 20 N Clark featured a delicious roast served by the new love of my life and possible Ms. Russia 2009, our waitress. As for the bread, well, we'll get to that later.

Maxim's is the latest stop on Diner Dan Ofman's tour of the OK. "It's eerily similar to Petro's," Ofman said, taking in the painted murals, jazz piano soundtrack and foreign accents of the staff. The darkened windows and diner menu offered levels of depression and predictability reminiscent of a Cubs' season. Thankfully the prices were more reasonable than Wrigley's, and the same can be said of Maxim's chances of winning the World Series. "Just what you need on a cold windy day," Ofman said as he eased his pain with a steaming mug, "hot coffee!" Moonlight graham smiled from the corner booth over his creamed corn.

The menu at Maxim's is printed daily and is as all encompassing as this blog's readership, including everything from omelets ("pan blended at ultra high speed"), to Italian pastas, Mediterranean dishes, and even BBQ ribs. I could see myself spending a day there. With all the worldwide flavors what fascinated me most were the "Businessmen's Specials." I didn't bother looking them over, assuming I'd be refused service on account of my denim pants, unpressed shirt, and pure lack of professionalism and career ambition. Rob Anderson inquired to our lovely waitress what these specials were about. "It's just a title," she said, combining a down to earth honesty with a voice from heaven.

The calm before the storm

Perhaps it's rooted in my never eating breakfast before school growing up, but there's something in the upbringing of the Ofman brothers' psyche that requires us to order omelets as often as possible. When ordering his Ham and Cheese Dan Ofman asked Ms. Russia if he could substitute soup for his toast. "No," She said, with just enough grace to be pleasant while still being adequately harsh and derisive for someone faced with such a silly question. The result was a bagel. "The bagel is a better value than the toast," Said a consoling Dan Spira. "Heartier," said Anderson as he placed a comforting hand on the shoulder of his defeated Lunch Club colleague.

Danny "Fair Warning" Rubenstein arrived just as we finished ordering and immediately commented, "Our waitress could be a super model." My heart filled with jealousy and my eyes shot daggers at the social media expert who had the audacity to look at my future wife. Considering I don't yet know her name perhaps it'd be appropriate for me to scale down the possessiveness. For now.

How many people have taken more pictures
of omelets than I have?

I thought my Denver omelet was one of the best I've had as an LLC member. Maybe it was the balanced fillings, exceptional fluffiness brought about through the ultra high speed pan blending, and spot on cheese distribution, but it could have something to do with the fact I knew whose delicate hands had served it to me.

With a solid roll Anderson believes it could be "excellent"

Anderson and Spira both ordered the California chicken sandwich (Is it implied that Spira orders anything with the word "California" along with a diet Coke or do I still have to report this each week?).  Both were pleased with their sandwich, though struggled to truly enjoy it because it was lacking in Lancaster's primary requirement: bread. It was served on straight out of the bag, untoasted, flimsy Wonder Bread. "It's a shame," said Anderson as he shook his head at the sandwich that might have been, "because I really like the contents." The bread bashing went on for quite some time. We asked rye, Maxim's asked rye not? We said sourdough, Maxim's said sourdon't. It was a fatal flaw that will crush Maxim's chances in the bracket.

At least 1,000 words in this one

In the end, besides the bread, The Loop Lunch Club agreed that Maxim's had the best diner food we've had to date. I personally would love to go back for a second date.

Maxim's Notes:

Beautiful handwriting. It appears
our relationship is intimate enough
that she calls me Am now.

• Shockingly long and well-informed discussion concerning the philosophical consequences of the curse in Beauty and the Beast.
• While collecting money for the check (right) there were just enough small bills to make perfect change. "Bang-a-Rang!" Said Anderson.
• Absence of Steve "Late" Lake, though I'm sure he'll visit soon after reading this post. After all, If you blog it, he will come.

La Cocina

"If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas." - Jack Handy

Disclaimer: The appearance of God in this week's quote isn't meant to coincide symbolically with either the rise of Christ or the descent of leavened bread. The LLC is resolute in its separation of church and lunch policy (regardless of whether we eat on State St).

Readers, do you recall The Loop Lunch Club's recent visit to Pollito's Grill and Rotisserie? Of course you do. Well, then imagine there was another mexican restaurant that, outside of color scheme, was exactly the same and was located just next door at 45 N Wells. Same local artwork, same layout, same menu, only it's called La Cocina. I realize that you don't routinely visit this blog for my in depth culinary analysis so instead of copy and pasting the Pollito's post I'll treat you to a few hundred cleverly arranged words that recount The LLC experience and La Cocina. Vamanos!

Behind the wall painted to look like a classic Ofman
household beach towel you can see a woman leaving
Pollito's

The festive music and bright orange walls made sitting at La Cocina feel like being in the studio audience of a south of the border Nickelodeon game show. To keep with the youthful atmosphere I couldn't help but order an imported bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola. Congratulations are due to the branding team and Coca-Cola, for even me, a cynical, media savvy consumer tasted it and thought, "This tastes like a nostalgic bit of Americana." Did I mention La Cocina esta al lado de Pollito's? Si? Bueno. In fact, I could see inside of Pollito's from where I sat at La Cocina (right). I almost attempted this entire paragraph in spanish but decided that instead of butchering spanish vocabulary and syntax I'd stick with bending the rules of English grammar.

While the food at La Cocina is authentic the prices aren't necessarily so. As Steve "Late" Lake pointed out (after arriving late), the digital menu reflects changes that are yet to be adjusted on the physical, old school analog menu. Despite the confusion I'm glad they upgraded because I've been trying to find more ways to look at screens in my day to day life.

Godfathers Rob Anderson and Dan Ofman, along with myself, caved under the pressure of a rapidly expanding line and left the table prior to the arrival of some LLCers. "Pretty standard," said Anderson after reviewing the, well, pretty standard options. Menu items are available individually or as part of a dinner combination. I asked my colleagues what constituted a dinner and Ofman explained, "Rice and beans," and then offered some brotherly guidance, pointing out these sides were "a must." Anderson then mumbled with religious solemnity, "very important."

It's a good thing Nikitas isn't still with The LLC, or he would most
certainly have hit his head on the low end of the ceiling 

La Cocina's staff works quickly to keep the line moving. One man is engaged in a perpetual battle of logistics trying to minimize wasted space and ensure that any available surface area is utilized. His main prerogative is maintaining La Cocina's violation of maximum occupancy laws. Although he saved us from the drafty table by the door and delivered some prompt (though scarce) tortilla chips, he was understandably frustrated with our empty chairs. "Are you sure you're going to be six?" He asked several times as we waited on Late Lake and Dan "Delayed" Spira. "Isn't it tough to deal with people who are consistently late?" Asked an unnamed LLC member who had run out of slack for Late Lake's lack of timeliness.

As much as I touted The Proprietor at Taza for excellent customer service I have to credit the man behind the counter at La Cocina for an equally impressive job. What he lacked in jokes and free falafel he made up for by single handedly moving the line. Watching him multitask was poetry. His arms moved so fast it was as though he had as many as an elderly saguaro. Don't let that last analogy make you think he was a prick, though. Zing!

The food arrived right away for most of us. Fittingly, Late Lake got his last following a comment about how much he wanted to eat it. "Ask and you shall receive," said three-time guest Eric Moore. Moore went on to describe salsa as "Mexican ketchup."

Eric Moore's Morsels

"In addition to the line," Said Spira, airing his grievances, "they need something to put salsa in." I didn't try either variety of salsa. Spira was right, for I would have tried both if there were a dish to put them in. I did however get a chance to eat my enchiladas dinner, and while it was good I thought it could have been more dynamic. With so many unique ingredients I was looking for a medley of flavors and found more of a singular note. Each bite was good, but each bite was also the same. I was bored with it by the end.

Clean plates were commonplace at our table. From Dan "I'm partial to a good burrito-I love burritos" Ofman's burrito to Danny "Health Kick" Rubenstein's taco salad everyone seemed pleased with the food.

"I thought the food was good," Said Spira.

Here's an unrelated video of me throwing a couch off of a building...

Notas de La Cocina:

• My initial worries concerning the number of hipsters were unfounded. By the time we left Spira was the hippest guy there.
• "Can we note it's too loud in here?" Said Steve "Man Made" Lake as he spilled his water loudly.
• I really picked on Steve this week. Sorry buddy.

Ruby of Siam

"Good things come to those who wait. Be patient." - My fortune cookie

In the Newtown neighborhood of Sydney, Australia there are approximately 30 Thai restaurants that offer $6 lunch specials and contain the word "Thai" somewhere in their name. Thai My Shoe, Thai-Tanic, Thai-Rific, etc. I promise you, and in doing so I deny every urge and temptation my sense of humor cultivates in me, that I will not make this blog post an endless stream of cheap puns (this week) and will only use one such joke.

Anderson had this one, but I think it was meant for me

Like most of the best things America has to offer this week's Loop Lunch Club experience was made in Thailand, or at least at Ruby of Siam at 170 W Washington. Rob Anderson, the man responsible for this week's selection, stirred up some excitement among The LLC by employing the time-tested technique of combining caps lock, exclamation points, and the word "buffet" in a single email. What man could resist a "THAI BUFFET!!!!" If you check out the poll to the right (closing april 5th) you'll find I'm actually asking...Be sure to read the rest of this post to figure it out!

BLC - Bangkok Lunch Club

Ruby of Siam's greatest asset is its atmosphere. The place looks great. Despite being only 15 yards from the blustering Washington St traffic I felt tucked away in the quiet, peaceful oasis of the nation formerly known as Siam. Unlike Taza, whose decorations hardly reflected the culture of its cuisine; Ruby of Siam developed their cultural motif to a level that prompted Dan Ofman to state upon arrival, "What a nice setting." Statuettes and backlit traditional prints balanced the more modern, though equally tranquil presence of the digital slideshows that showcased the tropical landscapes of Thailand. The walls at Ruby of Siam combined all the benefits of screen savers and high school field trips to ancient art exhibits without any of the extreme boredom normally associated with the two.

Looking over the menu I noticed the numerical listing of 119 items. I quickly disregarded them all knowing full well I came for the buffet. Admittedly, I had my doubts after reading through the menu's welcome note. Could a buffet really offer dishes "prepared just the way you like them?" And if the food is going to "satisfy my every desire" should I expect to leave Ruby of Siam with a better job, a girlfriend, and a settled stomach? I was pleasantly surprised to go 1 for 3 on that. I also grew suspicious that the word "Thai" was being placed before items to make them sound more exotic than they actually were. Thai coffee? Thai iced tea? Thai custard? Are these not just coffee, iced tea, and custard? If not for the passionate warning from Anderson I would have ordered a Thai lychee and honeydew bubble drink. "I vowed never to take another sip," said a white faced Anderson with wide, watering eyes fixated on that infamous memory of imbibing that damnable bubble drink of his past.

Everyone except Ofman, including guest attendee Don "No Name" Something Or Other opted for the buffet. "I guess I'll brave it," Said No Name as he moved for the stack of plates, "and just see what happens." That's really the only appropriate attitude heading into a buffet.

It's not the size of the buffet, but the motion of the Indian Ocean
that really matters

"I will say this," said a disappointed Spira, who clearly had something more to say, "I expected a slightly larger buffet." Ruby of Siam's buffet was as short as Thailand is long (about 1,100 miles north to south) and while I agree that a buffet should provide more choices than we had available to us, quality is more important than quantity.

"The noodle dishes were better than I thought they'd be," said Anderson, fully recovered from his bubble drink relapse. "There were at least 3 or 4 good options." Honestly, one truly good option at a buffet is more than enough to exceed my expectations. That being the case, this buffet did indeed exceed. I enjoyed it, didn't feel sick, and even though some dishes were a little cold by the time I got to the table I still found the overall quality far above buffet average.

Fan Tong translates to Rice Bucket in Chinese

Fan Tong Ofman, who ordered fried rice (no onions), displayed a total lack of morality and complete disregard for buffet etiquette by demanding someone retrieve broccoli for his own personal consumption. As a brother, this brought me great shame. I found I could only cleanse myself of this dishonorable buffet behavior through perusal of the dessert section. "Doesn't look like anything special," said Spira with preternatural foresight.

Two plates with fortune cookies allow customers to control their own fate

In the end Lake was right when he said, "The buffet was the right call." Though I think he meant to say, "THE BUFFET WAS THE RIGHT CALL!!!!"

Ruby or Siam Notes:

• Dan Ofman's new credit card is shiny
• The Soup was a bowl of nightmares

Taza

"To practice five things under all circumstances constitutes perfect virtue; these five are gravity, generosity of soul, sincerity, earnestness, and kindness." - Confucius

Before The Loop Lunch Club's most recent meeting I didn't believe that any man had the moral capacity and strength of heart to embody Perfect Virtue. However, after dining at Taza at 176 N Franklin and meeting The Proprietor I've discovered a newfound faith in my fellow man. The Mediterranean grill was Steve "Just a little late" Lake's choice as The LLC2's tenth meeting site and will forever be remembered as the workplace of the most virtuous service professional we've encountered in months.

Mr. Moore places an order

Taza is directly adjacent to defending LLC Champion Perry's Deli, and like its neighbor has signs discouraging cell phone usage and advising patrons to "pull hard" on the door. I typically increase the strength with which I pull until a door opens or I tire out and, to protect my masculine ego, decide it must be locked before moving on with my life. having also met at Goodwin's just across the street The LLC is literally eating away at this block of Franklin. With two more options within range of a Tim Tebow Hail Mary (and three within a Manning throw) I'm sure we'll back for more.

Luckily for me the door was wedged open allowing easy, non ego threatening access to the restaurant. My first impression of Taza wasn't promising. The sparsely decorated walls were painted a light green color that I lauded in my review of Pollito's for cultivating a festive atmosphere but seemed out of place at Taza. Perhaps I was put off by the small bug I spied scurrying across the tile. Nobody's to blame for the bug's presence seeing as the door needed to be open to allow much needed airflow and no creature, man or bug, can resist the siren's call of fresh falafel. Despite the atmosphere I had a good feeling about the food. Taza is first and foremost a carryout spot, though the dining area can accomodate a fair amount of grizzed loop lunch veterans who know how to handle tight spaces.

The bite that solidified my
decision to order much more of these

My first contact with The Proprietor preceded the arrival of The LLC. This was a man with an accent as thick as his beard, a man who I would soon discover possessed all of Confucius's Big 5 in his eyebrows alone. Sensing my hunger and intuitively understanding the lateness to which The LLC has become accustomed the saintly figure handed me a sample falafel.

Beating the lunch rush by crucial minutes The Loop Lunch Club formed a line (a Taza Strip, if you will) at the counter and Lake sagely recommended the turkey shawarma. "The hummus is among us," mumbled return guest Eric Moore, who would go on to surprise me with a series of pretty good jokes at the table. As I was ordering, a tardy Dan Spira, Esquire, cut ahead of the long line of honest citizens in the fashion of a ruthless attorney hell-bent on spreading misery to the lives of normal people. Lawyers...am I right?

This is the point where I stop writing to watch this clip from The LLC's unofficial sponsor The Voice:
Some people want it all, others just want lunch.

"I can't decide how to go about eating this," said Jenny Sammarco, displaying an understandable mix of confusion and nerves. Making her LLC debut at a place with no clear cut silverware application technique isn't an enviable position, much like being an NBA rookie center asked to defend the league's best big men in the playoffs. We can't all be Asik.

An incredibly tasty meal. I wonder if Rob Anderson would call it the best falafel he's ever had...

The Proprietor would return to
stack them even higher

Looking at an empty bowl of lentil soup Lake announced, "I can't eat any more lentil soup." It turns out he wasn't just out of soup, but was also "ridiculously full." At this point The Proprietor returned with a basket of falafel and explained his policy of delivering one falafel every five minutes. He went on to point out I'd been there nearly an hour and thus he felt a need to keep 'em coming. "Very, very, very hot!" He warned of the falafel that, much like him, appeared crunchy on the outside but was incredibly warm, earnest, and sincere on the inside.

Shoveling the hot falafel down my gullet I heard my name called out and looked up to see the familiar face of Glencoe, Illinois baseball legend Luke Sundheim. Sundheim quickly and deservingly mocked me for being underdressed and went on his way. Normally I'd be mad, but I'll forever be in debt to him for his generous strike zone during the 1997 house league baseball playoffs. "Strike three!" He yelled across the diamond following a ball that was clearly high and inside. This left all three opposing base-runners to hang their heads in shame as my teammates mobbed me on the mound. We would go on to lose the next game.

As The LLC rose to leave, already more than satisfied, The Proprietor stopped us for one more exhibition of generosity. Baklava appeared on the table as if from nothingness. The Proprietor kindly said, with sincerity, earnestness, and the utmost gravity, "We'd love to see you here again." It would be perfectly virtuous of us to return.

Flaky, crunchy, chewy, sweet, and it travels well. Now that's what I call Baklava.

Taza Notes:

• Absence of Rob Anderson
• Really cool old school punch clock for employees
• Zero Mentions of Rubenstein and Dan Ofman this week.

Encore

"It has been well documented that great white sharks prefer brisket over bacon." - George Burgess

The LLC, more like The LL FanCy

The ninth meeting of The Loop Lunch Club's second season was held this past Thursday at Encore, a stylish restaurant in the lobby of the Allegro Hotel at 171 W Randolph. Danny "White Snake" Rubenstein had selected this week's spot and emailed the group informing each of us to dress business casual and arrive at "11:45 sharp." When someone who just returned from an esteemed international karaoke competition in Japan tells me to look good and be somewhere "sharp" my expectations are heightened for both quality, and with less enthusiasm, price.

Dedicated reader(s) will recall The LLC's trip to Petro's and Rob Anderson's astonished reaction to the neon martini glass he spied out the window. That neon martini belongs to Encore, a restaurant that is the antithesis of Petro's. Encore will undoubtedly be the most modern and chic LLC experience of the season. Evidence for this can be seen in the phrase "Lunch Club and Liquid Lounge" that appeared on the snakeskin bound menus. I'm confident no other restaurant we patronize will be built around a circular bar that offers $400 bottles of wine.

Not your typical table

LLC Godfathers Anderson, Dan Spira, and Dan Ofman arrived on time and took seats at our strangely shaped corner booth. "Nice nook," said Anderson of the table whose shape resembled the body type of Blinky, the infamous leader of the Pac-Man ghosts. Waters and diet Pepsis were placed atop copious cocktail napkins. Despite having so many coaster options within arms reach I'm sad to report that neither Ofman or Anderson respect wood.

My busy schedule of once weekly blog posting and daily deep-dish consumption doesn't leave much time for television, but I'm well apprised of TV happenings anyway. Ten minutes with this trio and you'll get your fill of The Voice (and the experience of being a guest on The View). Honestly, not a minute passed before The Voice discussion broke out. "Blah blah blah," said one. "Blah blah blah," said another. This engaging discourse was brought to an end by the arrival of a jeans and sweatshirt wearing Bert and Ernie duo, 15 very sharp minutes late. With the full group in attendance the menu was reviewed. I was surprised by the variety and the reasonable prices. Using a popular terminology, the menu's "big 3" were the brisket, the pork, and the beef tenderloin. "The brisket is the far superior sandwich," said Steve "Great White" Lake. He went on to describe it as, "legendary."

Stick this in your business
casual and smoke it. Editors Note:
I wore a suit for unrelated purposes and
my neck isn't quite as thin as it appears here

The service at Encore will hurt its chances come tournament time. It was slow and often ineffective. Anderson's much discussed and highly anticipated wasabi coleslaw was mistakenly served as a side of fresh fruit and there was an unordered chicken salad brought to the table. I'll remind you of our Big 3 and let you decide if those items belonged on our plates. Refills were few and far between, but I will admit they knew how to refill in style. "That was astounding," I said to Anderson after his diet Pepsi was refilled from a pitcher. He and I both opened our mouths to stop the server thinking he'd be pouring water, only to find pepsi emerge from the ewer. Our eyes widened in disbelief like children unaware that there were really two people in that box and those legs wiggling independently from the head of the lovely assistant belonged to a fully intact and totally separate individual hiding in the other half of the box.

"This lunch has taken a turn for the better," said Great White Lake as the food was served. I think it's safe to say lunch always gets better with food (except perhaps at Petro's). My BBQ pork was tangy and tasty. It didn't melt in my mouth, which is fine because it's pork and I enjoy chewing it. I regretted my order when I realized I was wearing a tie and thus would have to engage my sandwich with the civility of someone better accustomed to a business casual lifestyle. In retrospect a Costanzian usage of the knife and fork may have classed it up a bit.

The Great White Lake feasts on a lowly salmon

Somebody's sandwich

"Wow, soft!"

"Good coleslaw," said Spira with an evil smirk on his face to a still coleslaw deprived Anderson. Rubenstein enjoyed his slaw employing the technique of dipping his house made chips into it. On a scale of Berghoff Chips to Perfect Chips these definitely registered on the Perfect end of the spectrum.

The general feeling amongst The LLC was that the sandwiches were great and whether you're a carnivorous marine predator or a guy on his lunch break wearing a tie you're going to enjoy you're brisket, pork, or tenderloin. Just as the meal was coming to a close our check was set down along with an encore performance (had to do it once, sorry) of 6 fresh chocolate chip cookies (right).

Encore Notes:

• Minimum Valet fee at The Allegro Hotel: $19 for under 2 hours
• One of the male staff members had a pony tail
• I didn't make any jokes aimed directly at Dan Ofman, and trust me I could have, because I knew he'd be embarrassed thoroughly in this video. He thought the boulder was unsafe for me to sit on. For a believer in mind over matter, I'm scoring this one 10-7 in favor of matter...

Ronny's Steakhouse

"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost." - J. R. R. Tolkien

It wasn't the fiery depths of mount doom but rather the crowded escalators of the Thompson Center that brought about the wandering of The Loop Lunch Fellowship this past Monday. Our efforts to locate Ronny's Steakhouse at 100 W Randolph for the 8th meeting of The LLC resulted in what will surely go down as the exception that proves the rule: Steve "Mr. Punctuality" Lake was the first and only member of The LLC to arrive on time.

I'm writing this from seat 26F, 37,000 feet above the sprawling farmland of the Great Plains en route to fabulous Tucson, Arizona. I hope to finish before we land, otherwise I'll never be able to post this entry. What happens in Tucson, stays in Tucson. With this window seat view above the clouds I'm afforded a new perspective on life and on lunch. Suddenly, the fact that my $7.95 steak special was upped to $14.00 by adding bacon, sour cream, and cheese to my baked potato no longer seems like an injustice worthy of being upset over. However, $6.00 worth of fixins had a predictably upsetting effect on my stomach.

This is actually a Domino's thin
crust corner piece

"If you finish that (potato)," said Dan Ofman, "you won't wake up tomorrow." Rob Anderson then piled on the challenge by observing, "there are more condiments than potato." I'm just glad nobody made me hold it up beside my head for a size comparison. This has happened before with embarrassing results (right).

Ronny's is a cafeteria style restaurant with a dark wood trim and chic olive green leather booths with backrests reaching 6 feet above ground. The elegance of these interior design elements is far overshadowed by the buckets of rib tips and endless placards advertising daily specials. Ronny's menu is a lot like kindergarten, everyone is special. The entire surface area of the non-dining space is wallpapered in signs for specials. It's like an overly informative driving range with distance markers every yard. Only here instead of golf balls you're driving country-fried steak, polish sausages, and severely overloaded baked potatoes down your throat and the signs help you gauge your distance not from a pin, but from oncoming heart attacks.

Just one of the clusters of specials signs at Ronny's

The man behind the counter, possibly Ronny himself based on his enthusiasm, was friendly though unable to turn off his sense of urgency. Despite accounting for 100% of the line The LLC was rushed through the ordering process. I'm certain I missed out on something special.

Some of the healthy options Ronny's offers

Before Dan Ofman began a thirty-minute sales pitch on a business plan to garner "instant millions" sometime in the distant future Rob "Steak Sauce" Anderson presented me with Ronny's own brand of steak sauce, which was liberally applied across the table. I wasn't very pleased with my steak. Of the 8 ounces that constituted it prior to cooking I'd estimate 1 oz. was cooked off, 1 oz. was bone, and 1 oz. was unchewable lard. "My cut of steak is too fatty to bite through," said Steak Sauce Anderson. Continuing with the negativity I'll point out my chef's side salad was drenched in ranch and only had 1 crouton. However, my potato was a real winner. Mounds of melted cheddar and bacon bits smothered in sour cream is a hard recipe to screw up. Come to think of it, I don't remember the potato even being present on the plate.

There's a potato in there somewhere, I'm almost certain of it

"There's too much gravy," said Dan Ofman of his Country Fried Steak (special). None of these shortcomings bothered Lake, a steakhouse of a man to begin with. "This is an early contender," said the satisfied rookie. "I can see us coming back here." I'll assume he meant "us" as in "Rubenstein and I."

As we finished eating it was brought to my attention that I had unknowlingly polished off my entire baked potato. I reacted to this news by stating, "Just thinking about sitting up straight right now is an exhaustive and straining activity."

Needless to say, it was a special experience.

Ronny's Notes

• Absence of Dan Spira and Danny Rubenstein due to crises.
• I wouldn't want to meet the person who gets to Ronny's before 11AM to take advantage of the "Breakfast Bonanza" special.
• Dan Ofman hit a three point shot in his most recent recreational men's league basketball game, proving he was one of the top five athletes in his graduating class.