The Bracket

"Argument is meant to reveal the truth, not to create it." - Edward de Bono

What are we, the men of The LLC, if not seekers of the truth? Yes, we have laughed and cavorted over our lunches these past few months, joking and punning through stuffed faces and diet coke stained incisors. And yes, that was Rob Anderson you saw skipping through the loop enjoying the 'out of the office' sunshine. Yet we remain The LLC and we mean business. We neither eat light nor take our eating lightly. We dine in yet take our meals to go in our minds. Food for thought? No. Food is thought. We set out hungry and sixteen restaurants later our stomachs are sated. Only our endless craving to find the loop's best lunch remains unsatisfied. The time has come to uncover the true champion of The Loop Lunch Club's second tour.

This past week The LLC returned to Maxim's Restaurant to conduct a random drawing for our tournament bracket. In the presence of our beautiful waitress, who smiled at me while asking if she should refill my coffee and seemed unsure of whether I said "nyet" or "not yet," we produced the following results:

Soon, once the brotherhood of The Loop Lunch Club completes a digestive hiatus and has taken ample time to cultivate unbiased, objective perspectives, we shall reconvene. We will argue, not to create truth but to reveal it. After all, there is no sweeter lunch than a sandwich of unsalted truth dripping with melted honesty and the juices of justice. Unless of course, that sandwich comes with a side of Chris Hartemayer approved fries.

I Dream of Falafel

"I am invariably late for appointments." - Marilyn Monroe

The Loop Lunch Club's second tour held its final meeting this past Wednesday at I Dream of Falafel at 117 W Monroe. I was a few minutes late, but seeing as Marilyn was invariably late I can rest assured knowing my fellow LLCers aren't the only people to have waited on Monroe.

The LLC was out of their chairs and moving towards the counter before I had exited the revolving doors. "Why the rush?" I asked myself. "Are we trying to catch a matinee screening of 'Love, Actually' today?" It turned out that falafel connoisseur Rob Anderson, who teamed with fellow LLC Godfather Dan "Spoiler Alert" Spira in selecting this week's location, possesses an ability to predict lines usually reserved for sports bookies and obnoxious moviegoers.

All the way to the door the entire time we were there.

We beat the traffic, but as a result I was significantly unprepared to order. At the front of the line I received some last minute guidance from Anderson, who praised the chicken as "their best plate." Still, I found myself being asked what I'd like while still struggling to pocket my headphones and find a place to stow away my new sunglasses (these would later be tried on by all LLC members with mass approval. "Everyone looks great in these," said one LLC member). When I finally recovered the wherewithal to look at the menu I caught sight of the "All In Platter," and, knowing this to be the ultimate LLC outing of the season I had no choice but to put all my chips, fries, cole slaw, and various other side dishes on the line. Both Spira and I went all in, but he took it to the next level when we reached the vegetable selection. With a regal upward facing palm he slowly motioned over his kingdom of cucumber, lettuce, tomato, cabbage, and multiple mystery vegetables and told the girl "I'll have, uh...everything."

I really put a lot of effort into the photography this week

The staff, while friendly, fell well short of the customer service standard set by The Proprietor of the home of The LLC's last falafel frenzy, Taza. What I Dream of Falafel lacked in overly generous, somewhat insane looking bearded patriarchs they made up for in providing museum like levels of hygiene. Several times during the meal I took note of the the extremely sanitary surroundings and had to remind myself I wasn't at the planetarium or Field Museum cafeteria.

Another example of excellent camera work

No time was wasted as the group immediately went to work at the table. "You did a much better job of filling that than I did," Spira said, admiring Anderson's propensity (or is it proclivity?) for pita packing. Pita problems left much room for improvement at I Dream of Falafel. A warmer, thicker, more flavorful pita could have made a good lunch into a great one. It's this type of missed opportunity that makes a difference come tournament time.

Going all in was the right decision. My platter was an endless heap of delicious meats and fresh vegetables. Unlike the single note flavor experience I stomached at La Cocina I found that each bite of my lunch was unique based on the type of meat I happened to be shoveling down my falafel hole. "It's good," said Spira of his falafel, "but it's not blowing my mind." Mind blowing falafel seems like a lot to ask for. I don't think my mind has been sufficiently blown since the first time I saw The Matrix.

The All In Platter, also pictured: New Shades (upper left)

Looking down at his All In Platter Spira wondered aloud if, out of context, anyone would be able to identify what it was actually comprised of. Dan Ofman explained, "When you go all in, you don't always know what you're getting." I would later return this nugget of wisdom in the form a sarcastic barb, prompting Ofman to reconsider his stance. "That doesn't make any sense," he reasoned, "you know exactly what you're getting. It says so on the menu."

LLC Tournament Update...

Anderson, seen here pondering the merits of an LLC Tournament
ranking system

With another 16 restaurants under our belts (and possibly expanding said belts) it is time to plan the second Loop Lunch Club Tournament. Scheduling is expected to be a series of Hartemayer-esque crises, so keep checking for updates. A tentative bracket selection ceremony is penciled in for Wednesday, May 23rd. Brackets and information on how to order LLC merchandise will be disseminated as they arise.

I Dream of Falafel Notes:

• Absence of Steve Lake due to crisis and Danny Rubenstein due to absence of Steve Lake.
• Rob "Sign My Emails With Initials" Anderson had monogrammed cuffs (above)
• Following the lead of Dan Spira The LLC gathered outside after the meal and one by one raised a celebratory fist of camaraderie and accomplishment, though it took some peer pressure to get RBA involved (below)

Siam Rice

"Romantic and entertaining...for older teens." - Film critic Nell Minow on 'Love, Actually'

The last time The Loop Lunch Club indulged in Thai cuisine I limited myself to only one 'thai' based pun: Rubens-thai-n. Danny "Hugh Grant" Rubenstein was quick to point out my inaccuracy, stating the correct pronunciation is Rubens-teen. This, appropriately, makes him the oldest teen I know and therefore part of the proper demographic for his all time favorite Rom-Com, 'Love, Actually'.

Falling in line with the popular colloquialism "Once you go Thai, you never go awry" The LLC met for the penultimate lunch of our seemingly all Asian cuisine themed second tour this past Wednesday at Siam Rice at 117 N Wells. Steve "Late" Lake made this week's selection and, in being reliably late, left the on time Ofman brothers with the opportunity to both absorb the surprisingly chic ambiance of Siam Rice while also grumbling incessantly about our fellow Late Lunch Clubbers.

"Notice the lateness of everybody," Dan "Fan Tong" Ofman said to me as I looked out past the bar seating at the tranquil, low hanging conic light fixtures. "Disappointed in the promptness," continued Rice Bucket Ofman as I took note of the autographed posters of several critically acclaimed stage productions, including Broadway mainstays like The Lion King, Wicked, and Bring It On - The Musical! Also hanging at Siam Rice were multiple "bless this mess" suburban kitchen decor wooden signs that I would never have associated with Thai food. Then again, who am I to question a 2003 "Thai Select" honoree (below).

Coincidence they were awarded the same year Love, Actually hit theaters? Also wondering, is this as prestigious as Baker's Square's plaque from the American Pie Council?

I tried to explain how I, being the life of the party, should be
allowed to sit right away, but it was lost in translation

Eventually, after much waiting (left), The LLC got a chance to sit down and check out the menu. Like most Thai menus the dishes are numbered to eliminate the childish giggling of immature Americans who can't keep a straight face when ordering items like Phuket Noodles (#35). "I feel compelled to order a chef's recommendation," Said Dan Spira as he rolled his sleeves up, and then quickly back down following a breeze from the door. It was right about the time the spring rolls hit the table that Danny "Preview Popcorn" Rubenstein made his first undetected and unappreciated reference to 'Love, Actually.'  The spring roles were about as bland and predictable as Rubenstein's mainstream taste in movies.

With the extra week of anticipation between LLC outings there was plenty of time for experienced Siam Rice patrons to tout the unsurpassed speed in which dishes were prepared and served. I could have written this blog post in the time we waited. "They're off their game," said Late Lake. "Definitely off their game," echoed special guest Soandso Deli? (I have no idea what this guy's name is). The expected wait time of 7.5 minutes, decided on through an extended email chain, was surpassed by a large margin. This didn't sit well with Spira, who, staring at me with hungry eyes stated, "20 minutes..."

Looks like caramel, right?

Food finally arrived for all but Late Lake and myself, who were left to pine for our pineapple fried rice as the others dug in. This extra waiting didn't curry favor for a positive review. As always, that pun was intended. As I waited our waitress returned and asked if there was anything else we needed. "I think they still need their food," Rubenstein said, removing all doubt concerning whether my lunch would be spit in.

Notice the chunks on the side

"Ryan Gosling," I heard Late Lake say out of context, "what a babe!" Before I could inquire my food arrived to a chorus of rave presentation reviews. "That's a big mound of rice," said Spira, who in sitting next to me in a somewhat loud restaurant has been quoted a ton this week. He went on to call my addition of peanut sauce to the fried rice a "smart move." I would have preferred the pineapple chunks to be mixed into the rice but that was an easily remedied demerit that was more than overcome by the positive response I had to finding cashews in the mound of rice. "It's tart and amusing, but carries a slightly cloying aftertaste," I thought to myself of my lunch, which is strange because that's the same thing film critic Judith Egerton said of 'Love, Actually.'

"Pretty good," Rice Bucket Ofman said of his onion-free rice, "I'm enjoying it." Chewing his bendy straw and looking at the satisfied faces of The LLC he further observed, "A lot of clean plates today."

When asked if he had a passing infatuation with Thai food Rubenstein
replied, "No, it's love, actually"

Siam Rice Notes:

• After punning that Rubenstein's wealth of pop culture knowledge warranted the nickname "Googlestein" Dan Ofman pointed out that he's been on fire with his jokes the last two weeks.
• Absence of Godfather Rob "Too Busy, Forgot" Anderson due to lack of prioritizing.
• Chop sticks on request only.
• Rubenstein must have used the word "zing" approximately 12 thai-mes.

Silk Road

"Some scholars prefer the term "Silk Routes" because the road included an extensive network of routes." - Wikipedia

Scholars from the "Silk Routes" school of thought are what we normal people call "nerds." This is evidenced by both their failure to recognize the obvious aesthetic superiority of "Silk Road," and more alarmingly by the fact that they have continued in their studies of the Silk Road beyond 6th grade World History.

This is a picture of Silk Road

Yesterday, while enjoying our semi-monthly urban camel caravan The Loop Lunch Club came across Silk Road at 19 S La Salle, where, like the hungry Mediterranean businessmen of centuries past we stopped in to sample some of the Oriental exports. Unfortunately, China's main export that day was Americanized generic fast food. I'm referring, of course, to the food court staple that every American regards with equal parts disgust and shameful craving.

This is the brick road leading
to Silk Road

"It's better than Panda Express," said Dan Spira, though he'd later lament the inferior quality of Silk Road's single compartment containers as worse than their dual-action Panda Express counterparts. The separation of entrees and sides would have done wonders in negating the effects of over-saucing. "My one gripe with this orange chicken," Said Dan Ofman, brandishing the word 'gripe' in place of so many more popular alternatives, "is that it's too saucy."

Window signage at Silk Road informs traveling merchants and LLCers alike of the daily specials, which are expansive in that they include every chicken dish every day. Not a bad deal. The most popular item is the spicy chicken that Danny Rubenstein (the selector of this week's spot) explained is "very spicy already" as he added extra spicy sauce to his meal.

Remind me to eat more vegetables that aren't slathered in Silk Road sauce

The restaurant is laid out like a game of minesweeper. There are a lot of safe tables for anywhere from 1-7 people to sit, though there are also smelly bomb zones where extremely large people clog up the aisles and end your fun. The seating arrangement at our table was cramped, fostering an intimate atmosphere of sharing that, like most meals involving multiple Ofman brothers, was for me an outflow of resources.

Rookie Rick, seen here making
an offer you can't refuse in
front of a meal you should refuse

Making a guest appearance at this week's meeting was Rookie Rick Ofman, the most scholarly of all LLC guests. When Rookie Rick was instructed to learn from his mistakes regarding the limits of his debauchery the history teacher responded, "I can't!"

Silk Road did have a few redeeming qualities. The egg roll was pretty good. "Gooey, warm, and cripsy," said Dan Ofman. Mine may been a bit too crispy, just ask my original fork (below). No doubt you're curious as to why I, a man who discussed his proclivity for chopsticks with such vigor in his review of Hot Woks Cool Sushi, would be using a plastic fork to begin with. The answer, sadly, is that Silk Road didn't offer, and may not have had any chopsticks available.

After falling on hard tines

"You will find an outlet for your
creative genius and accomplish a
great deal." Damn Straight.

Portions at Silk Road were substantial. "They give you a lot of food," said Rubenstein. He'd go on to clarify this statement by adding, "It's not not a lot of food." Despite the large portions orders were dished up extremely fast. My tray, complete with fortune cookie, was pushed my way before I had even pocketed my wallet. "Rubenstein only goes places with free cookies," said Steve "Exception to the Rule" Lake, who arrived punctually.

Even the serving spoons look like they're trying to escape

In my experience, food that sits beneath a hot lamp in a big tray that rests over warm water typically develops a watery, diluted flavor. My chicken and cashews meal was no exception. It was bland, over sauced, and only redeemed by its not being fried and therefore not making me feel as bad as I otherwise might have. Still, I ended the meal by stating, "Well, I feel terrible."

"Yeah," said Dan Ofman, "I do not feel good." Silk Road's product exemplifies the difference between food that satisfies hunger versus food that violently destroys an appetite. Unlike Rick Ofman, I hope to learn from this mistake.


Silk Road Notes:

• I'd like to apologize to "Silk Routes" scholars. A brief study of the subject revealed that it is in fact very interesting material and the term "Silk Routes" would be more accurate. I suggest a compromise of "Silk Roads."
• Reminiscent of his infamous "11:45 SHARP" email Rubenstein insisted to the group to "bring your chopsticks" yet failed to bring his own.
• The menu board was in the style of a Vienna Beef stand
• Walking past Maxim's I failed to catch a glimpse of Ms. Russia. She must be playing hard to nyet.

Maxim's Restaurant

"I judge a restaurant by the bread and the coffee." - Burt Lancaster

As much as it pains me to question the judgment of the man who played Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham, The Loop Lunch Club believes that to truly go the distance in finding the Loop's best lunch spot one must possess a more thorough criteria. Thus, we also place a great deal of importance on waitress attractiveness. This week's LLC meeting at Maxim's Restaurant at 20 N Clark featured a delicious roast served by the new love of my life and possible Ms. Russia 2009, our waitress. As for the bread, well, we'll get to that later.

Maxim's is the latest stop on Diner Dan Ofman's tour of the OK. "It's eerily similar to Petro's," Ofman said, taking in the painted murals, jazz piano soundtrack and foreign accents of the staff. The darkened windows and diner menu offered levels of depression and predictability reminiscent of a Cubs' season. Thankfully the prices were more reasonable than Wrigley's, and the same can be said of Maxim's chances of winning the World Series. "Just what you need on a cold windy day," Ofman said as he eased his pain with a steaming mug, "hot coffee!" Moonlight graham smiled from the corner booth over his creamed corn.

The menu at Maxim's is printed daily and is as all encompassing as this blog's readership, including everything from omelets ("pan blended at ultra high speed"), to Italian pastas, Mediterranean dishes, and even BBQ ribs. I could see myself spending a day there. With all the worldwide flavors what fascinated me most were the "Businessmen's Specials." I didn't bother looking them over, assuming I'd be refused service on account of my denim pants, unpressed shirt, and pure lack of professionalism and career ambition. Rob Anderson inquired to our lovely waitress what these specials were about. "It's just a title," she said, combining a down to earth honesty with a voice from heaven.

The calm before the storm

Perhaps it's rooted in my never eating breakfast before school growing up, but there's something in the upbringing of the Ofman brothers' psyche that requires us to order omelets as often as possible. When ordering his Ham and Cheese Dan Ofman asked Ms. Russia if he could substitute soup for his toast. "No," She said, with just enough grace to be pleasant while still being adequately harsh and derisive for someone faced with such a silly question. The result was a bagel. "The bagel is a better value than the toast," Said a consoling Dan Spira. "Heartier," said Anderson as he placed a comforting hand on the shoulder of his defeated Lunch Club colleague.

Danny "Fair Warning" Rubenstein arrived just as we finished ordering and immediately commented, "Our waitress could be a super model." My heart filled with jealousy and my eyes shot daggers at the social media expert who had the audacity to look at my future wife. Considering I don't yet know her name perhaps it'd be appropriate for me to scale down the possessiveness. For now.

How many people have taken more pictures
of omelets than I have?

I thought my Denver omelet was one of the best I've had as an LLC member. Maybe it was the balanced fillings, exceptional fluffiness brought about through the ultra high speed pan blending, and spot on cheese distribution, but it could have something to do with the fact I knew whose delicate hands had served it to me.

With a solid roll Anderson believes it could be "excellent"

Anderson and Spira both ordered the California chicken sandwich (Is it implied that Spira orders anything with the word "California" along with a diet Coke or do I still have to report this each week?).  Both were pleased with their sandwich, though struggled to truly enjoy it because it was lacking in Lancaster's primary requirement: bread. It was served on straight out of the bag, untoasted, flimsy Wonder Bread. "It's a shame," said Anderson as he shook his head at the sandwich that might have been, "because I really like the contents." The bread bashing went on for quite some time. We asked rye, Maxim's asked rye not? We said sourdough, Maxim's said sourdon't. It was a fatal flaw that will crush Maxim's chances in the bracket.

At least 1,000 words in this one

In the end, besides the bread, The Loop Lunch Club agreed that Maxim's had the best diner food we've had to date. I personally would love to go back for a second date.

Maxim's Notes:

Beautiful handwriting. It appears
our relationship is intimate enough
that she calls me Am now.

• Shockingly long and well-informed discussion concerning the philosophical consequences of the curse in Beauty and the Beast.
• While collecting money for the check (right) there were just enough small bills to make perfect change. "Bang-a-Rang!" Said Anderson.
• Absence of Steve "Late" Lake, though I'm sure he'll visit soon after reading this post. After all, If you blog it, he will come.

La Cocina

"If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas." - Jack Handy

Disclaimer: The appearance of God in this week's quote isn't meant to coincide symbolically with either the rise of Christ or the descent of leavened bread. The LLC is resolute in its separation of church and lunch policy (regardless of whether we eat on State St).

Readers, do you recall The Loop Lunch Club's recent visit to Pollito's Grill and Rotisserie? Of course you do. Well, then imagine there was another mexican restaurant that, outside of color scheme, was exactly the same and was located just next door at 45 N Wells. Same local artwork, same layout, same menu, only it's called La Cocina. I realize that you don't routinely visit this blog for my in depth culinary analysis so instead of copy and pasting the Pollito's post I'll treat you to a few hundred cleverly arranged words that recount The LLC experience and La Cocina. Vamanos!

Behind the wall painted to look like a classic Ofman
household beach towel you can see a woman leaving
Pollito's

The festive music and bright orange walls made sitting at La Cocina feel like being in the studio audience of a south of the border Nickelodeon game show. To keep with the youthful atmosphere I couldn't help but order an imported bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola. Congratulations are due to the branding team and Coca-Cola, for even me, a cynical, media savvy consumer tasted it and thought, "This tastes like a nostalgic bit of Americana." Did I mention La Cocina esta al lado de Pollito's? Si? Bueno. In fact, I could see inside of Pollito's from where I sat at La Cocina (right). I almost attempted this entire paragraph in spanish but decided that instead of butchering spanish vocabulary and syntax I'd stick with bending the rules of English grammar.

While the food at La Cocina is authentic the prices aren't necessarily so. As Steve "Late" Lake pointed out (after arriving late), the digital menu reflects changes that are yet to be adjusted on the physical, old school analog menu. Despite the confusion I'm glad they upgraded because I've been trying to find more ways to look at screens in my day to day life.

Godfathers Rob Anderson and Dan Ofman, along with myself, caved under the pressure of a rapidly expanding line and left the table prior to the arrival of some LLCers. "Pretty standard," said Anderson after reviewing the, well, pretty standard options. Menu items are available individually or as part of a dinner combination. I asked my colleagues what constituted a dinner and Ofman explained, "Rice and beans," and then offered some brotherly guidance, pointing out these sides were "a must." Anderson then mumbled with religious solemnity, "very important."

It's a good thing Nikitas isn't still with The LLC, or he would most
certainly have hit his head on the low end of the ceiling 

La Cocina's staff works quickly to keep the line moving. One man is engaged in a perpetual battle of logistics trying to minimize wasted space and ensure that any available surface area is utilized. His main prerogative is maintaining La Cocina's violation of maximum occupancy laws. Although he saved us from the drafty table by the door and delivered some prompt (though scarce) tortilla chips, he was understandably frustrated with our empty chairs. "Are you sure you're going to be six?" He asked several times as we waited on Late Lake and Dan "Delayed" Spira. "Isn't it tough to deal with people who are consistently late?" Asked an unnamed LLC member who had run out of slack for Late Lake's lack of timeliness.

As much as I touted The Proprietor at Taza for excellent customer service I have to credit the man behind the counter at La Cocina for an equally impressive job. What he lacked in jokes and free falafel he made up for by single handedly moving the line. Watching him multitask was poetry. His arms moved so fast it was as though he had as many as an elderly saguaro. Don't let that last analogy make you think he was a prick, though. Zing!

The food arrived right away for most of us. Fittingly, Late Lake got his last following a comment about how much he wanted to eat it. "Ask and you shall receive," said three-time guest Eric Moore. Moore went on to describe salsa as "Mexican ketchup."

Eric Moore's Morsels

"In addition to the line," Said Spira, airing his grievances, "they need something to put salsa in." I didn't try either variety of salsa. Spira was right, for I would have tried both if there were a dish to put them in. I did however get a chance to eat my enchiladas dinner, and while it was good I thought it could have been more dynamic. With so many unique ingredients I was looking for a medley of flavors and found more of a singular note. Each bite was good, but each bite was also the same. I was bored with it by the end.

Clean plates were commonplace at our table. From Dan "I'm partial to a good burrito-I love burritos" Ofman's burrito to Danny "Health Kick" Rubenstein's taco salad everyone seemed pleased with the food.

"I thought the food was good," Said Spira.

Here's an unrelated video of me throwing a couch off of a building...

Notas de La Cocina:

• My initial worries concerning the number of hipsters were unfounded. By the time we left Spira was the hippest guy there.
• "Can we note it's too loud in here?" Said Steve "Man Made" Lake as he spilled his water loudly.
• I really picked on Steve this week. Sorry buddy.

Ruby of Siam

"Good things come to those who wait. Be patient." - My fortune cookie

In the Newtown neighborhood of Sydney, Australia there are approximately 30 Thai restaurants that offer $6 lunch specials and contain the word "Thai" somewhere in their name. Thai My Shoe, Thai-Tanic, Thai-Rific, etc. I promise you, and in doing so I deny every urge and temptation my sense of humor cultivates in me, that I will not make this blog post an endless stream of cheap puns (this week) and will only use one such joke.

Anderson had this one, but I think it was meant for me

Like most of the best things America has to offer this week's Loop Lunch Club experience was made in Thailand, or at least at Ruby of Siam at 170 W Washington. Rob Anderson, the man responsible for this week's selection, stirred up some excitement among The LLC by employing the time-tested technique of combining caps lock, exclamation points, and the word "buffet" in a single email. What man could resist a "THAI BUFFET!!!!" If you check out the poll to the right (closing april 5th) you'll find I'm actually asking...Be sure to read the rest of this post to figure it out!

BLC - Bangkok Lunch Club

Ruby of Siam's greatest asset is its atmosphere. The place looks great. Despite being only 15 yards from the blustering Washington St traffic I felt tucked away in the quiet, peaceful oasis of the nation formerly known as Siam. Unlike Taza, whose decorations hardly reflected the culture of its cuisine; Ruby of Siam developed their cultural motif to a level that prompted Dan Ofman to state upon arrival, "What a nice setting." Statuettes and backlit traditional prints balanced the more modern, though equally tranquil presence of the digital slideshows that showcased the tropical landscapes of Thailand. The walls at Ruby of Siam combined all the benefits of screen savers and high school field trips to ancient art exhibits without any of the extreme boredom normally associated with the two.

Looking over the menu I noticed the numerical listing of 119 items. I quickly disregarded them all knowing full well I came for the buffet. Admittedly, I had my doubts after reading through the menu's welcome note. Could a buffet really offer dishes "prepared just the way you like them?" And if the food is going to "satisfy my every desire" should I expect to leave Ruby of Siam with a better job, a girlfriend, and a settled stomach? I was pleasantly surprised to go 1 for 3 on that. I also grew suspicious that the word "Thai" was being placed before items to make them sound more exotic than they actually were. Thai coffee? Thai iced tea? Thai custard? Are these not just coffee, iced tea, and custard? If not for the passionate warning from Anderson I would have ordered a Thai lychee and honeydew bubble drink. "I vowed never to take another sip," said a white faced Anderson with wide, watering eyes fixated on that infamous memory of imbibing that damnable bubble drink of his past.

Everyone except Ofman, including guest attendee Don "No Name" Something Or Other opted for the buffet. "I guess I'll brave it," Said No Name as he moved for the stack of plates, "and just see what happens." That's really the only appropriate attitude heading into a buffet.

It's not the size of the buffet, but the motion of the Indian Ocean
that really matters

"I will say this," said a disappointed Spira, who clearly had something more to say, "I expected a slightly larger buffet." Ruby of Siam's buffet was as short as Thailand is long (about 1,100 miles north to south) and while I agree that a buffet should provide more choices than we had available to us, quality is more important than quantity.

"The noodle dishes were better than I thought they'd be," said Anderson, fully recovered from his bubble drink relapse. "There were at least 3 or 4 good options." Honestly, one truly good option at a buffet is more than enough to exceed my expectations. That being the case, this buffet did indeed exceed. I enjoyed it, didn't feel sick, and even though some dishes were a little cold by the time I got to the table I still found the overall quality far above buffet average.

Fan Tong translates to Rice Bucket in Chinese

Fan Tong Ofman, who ordered fried rice (no onions), displayed a total lack of morality and complete disregard for buffet etiquette by demanding someone retrieve broccoli for his own personal consumption. As a brother, this brought me great shame. I found I could only cleanse myself of this dishonorable buffet behavior through perusal of the dessert section. "Doesn't look like anything special," said Spira with preternatural foresight.

Two plates with fortune cookies allow customers to control their own fate

In the end Lake was right when he said, "The buffet was the right call." Though I think he meant to say, "THE BUFFET WAS THE RIGHT CALL!!!!"

Ruby or Siam Notes:

• Dan Ofman's new credit card is shiny
• The Soup was a bowl of nightmares