The Loop Lunch Club Tournament 2

"And that is the reason this victory is great, because different players have made contributions to the win." - Sachin Tendulkar

"Victories that are cheap are cheap. Those only are worth having which come as the result of hard fighting." - Henry Ward Beecher

6 men, 16 restaurants, 1 mission

Seeing as The Loop Lunch Club Tournament is widely recognized as one Chicago's premier social events it comes as no surprise that some of the city's biggest names, like Derrick Rose, Barack Obama, Oprah Winfrey--and probably some white celebrities too--all had supporters in attendance on the eve of our nation's day of independence. Amazingly, paparazzi were nowhere to be found as I entered the lobby on my way to the VIP pre-party. "Please, people, please," I said as I pushed through the revolving doors, squinting in anticipation of the onslaught of greedy photographers whom I assumed had already begun phase 1 of some contrived ploy to induce an 'accidental' nip-slip from the city's foremost LLC blogger. I opened my eyes to a space empty but for the unimpressed doorman who, convincingly, pretended not to recognize me as I signed into the building's registrar under the company name "LLC, LLC."

The Loop Lunch Club met to decide on the best lunch, and while doing so were treated to a dinner that blew all sixteen restaurants away. Steve "Top Chef" Lake's glorious feast was beyond delicious, highlighted by slabs of ribs so good that, if I had been Adam and God took one of my ribs that night in exchange for Eve, I'd have said something like, "Flesh of my flesh, where the hell did that rib go? I was saving that! Pass me that apple."

By now I imagine the suspense is killing you. "Why," you must be thinking, "hasn't he mentioned any details about the tournament?" The answer is quite simple. There was a lot of booze at the party. I can tell you that the crowd was phenomenal. The LLC is immensely grateful to those of you who disregarded your sense of shame and publicly donned the Moderator's hat (below, with bracket big board) as well as those who paid close attention to the debates and provided critical tie breaking votes.

Possibly the worst picture on the internet

The upper left division of the bracket was so incredibly weak that I don't even remember which restaurant advanced from it to the final four. I believe it was I Dream of Falafel. Specialy's Bakery came out of the lower left with relative ease and put I Dream of Falafel to bed to move on to the finals. On the other side of the bracket we saw a surprise run from Belden Deli, who knocked out Taza to meet Takashi in a final four showdown. Despite a passionate performance in which I constantly wiped the sweat off my brow with a seersucker handkerchief, channeling my inner 1880's southern demagogue, I could not convince my fellow Lunch Clubbers to vote Belden into the final. Bert and Ernie simply refused to hear it, continuing down their path to Takashi's new location at the corner of Sesame St. and Stubborn Ave.

Before we reveal the champion, let's take a minute to recognize The LLC 2's worst restaurant. While I think this far from the worst we visited the votes are in and The LLC Tournament Donkey award goes to...

For a man holding two drinks Brian Lake displayed
surprisingly competent moderation.

Ronny's Steakhouse! I can see Chef Petro reading this with a sigh of relief.

The championship showdown was the stuff of legends. Years from now I'll be telling my grandkids about the 2012 LLC2 Tournament in which Rob "coup d'lunch" Anderson casted a switcheroo vote in favor of his least favorite restaurant, Takashi, in solidarity with the integrity of the tournament. Anderson's vote resulted in a 3-3 tie and gave the attentive audience a chance to make history. America voted, and The Loop Lunch Club 2 Champion is...

Specialty's Bakery!

Congratulations to Specialty's, the newest LLC Champion and thank you all for your participation in The LLC. Whether you're a member of the group, a guest luncher, party attendee, blog subscriber, or one of those random Eastern Europeans who stumbled upon this website somehow, thank you for your support. Hopefully soon we will begin The LLC's third tour. I've already begun brainstorming cool ways to write it...

LL3, 3LC, The Loop Lunch Clu3, and for you emoticon users out there, LLC<3.

Tournament Notes:

• The White Sox scored 19 runs during The LLC party. In a post game interview Paul Konerko explained, "We were so upset about missing The LLC party that we had to take our frustration out on the baseball."
• Rumors circulated that Dan Spira was seen in the bathroom pouring diet coke into an emptied out can of beer. 
• For an aggressively detailed play-by-play of the tournament please check out Danny Rubenstein's twitter feed or the Loop Lunch Club Facebook Page. I won't be offended if you don't "like" it. We aren't a real business or anything so it doesn't matter at all, though we won't hesitate to data mine your profile and sell your information.

Tournament Update

"I only eat one meal a day. Lunch, not dinner." - Robert Goulet

I bet when this was taken
he was thinking, "I can't wait
until the next time I eat lunch. I'm
extremely hungry this evening." 

Normally we of The Loop Lunch Club would agree wholeheartedly with the mealtime sentiments of Mr. Goulet (especially when he expresses said sentiments in his world renowned silky tenor), however, on the condition that the conversation revolves around lunch we find that there is an appropriate occasion to indulge in a dinner. This occasion, of course, is The Loop Lunch Club Tournament Party.

Almost daily I'm stopped on the street--usually by international tourists who have bookmarked this blog--and asked "LLC? Are you guys a limited liability corporation?" While often my instinct tells me to remove a flip flop and smack some size 9.5 open toed sense into them, a cooler head prevails and I opt for a simple explanation of why we are not. To begin, we have no limits. We are only liable to be late on occasion and our corporate ambitions extend only so far as our half baked plans to begin merchandising by summer's end. That being said, we hope to go public soon and are looking for reckless, overeager, and most likely empty stomached investors who may want to get in on the ground floor. If this sounds like you or somebody you know, please join us or bring your deep pocketed venture capitalist friend to our upcoming tournament party.

Where it says "Madonna" imagine it says "LLC" and replace the image of Madonna with the photo at the end of this post. That will give you an idea of what we're looking forward to.

The party, to be held July 3rd, will simulate the total experience of an LLC outing through a series of carnival style attractions. First, marvel at your watch while waiting on Late Lake. Then, test your strength by stepping into the octagon with Rubenstein, whose LLC brand singlets will be available for retail in the gift shop. After the bout, refresh your body and mind by sampling one of Dan "Sommelier" Spira's finest Diet Cokes. Once you've worked up an appetite mosey on over to the Ofman Brothers' Omelet Bar (fully stocked with everything but onions) and take part in a brainstorm on how to get rich quick by playing golf and not working hard. Finally, join Professor Anderson for a lecture on how to split a bill 6 ways. Pending the speed of ground shipping Anderson may be wearing the Cee Lo Green costume recently purchased from TheVoice.com.

And that's not all!

Guests will also receive substantial portions of grilled meats, poultry, alcohol, and lively debate. So please, join us and be a part of history as the next Loop Lunch Club Champion is crowned.

The Face of The LLC

The Bracket

"Argument is meant to reveal the truth, not to create it." - Edward de Bono

What are we, the men of The LLC, if not seekers of the truth? Yes, we have laughed and cavorted over our lunches these past few months, joking and punning through stuffed faces and diet coke stained incisors. And yes, that was Rob Anderson you saw skipping through the loop enjoying the 'out of the office' sunshine. Yet we remain The LLC and we mean business. We neither eat light nor take our eating lightly. We dine in yet take our meals to go in our minds. Food for thought? No. Food is thought. We set out hungry and sixteen restaurants later our stomachs are sated. Only our endless craving to find the loop's best lunch remains unsatisfied. The time has come to uncover the true champion of The Loop Lunch Club's second tour.

This past week The LLC returned to Maxim's Restaurant to conduct a random drawing for our tournament bracket. In the presence of our beautiful waitress, who smiled at me while asking if she should refill my coffee and seemed unsure of whether I said "nyet" or "not yet," we produced the following results:

Soon, once the brotherhood of The Loop Lunch Club completes a digestive hiatus and has taken ample time to cultivate unbiased, objective perspectives, we shall reconvene. We will argue, not to create truth but to reveal it. After all, there is no sweeter lunch than a sandwich of unsalted truth dripping with melted honesty and the juices of justice. Unless of course, that sandwich comes with a side of Chris Hartemayer approved fries.

I Dream of Falafel

"I am invariably late for appointments." - Marilyn Monroe

The Loop Lunch Club's second tour held its final meeting this past Wednesday at I Dream of Falafel at 117 W Monroe. I was a few minutes late, but seeing as Marilyn was invariably late I can rest assured knowing my fellow LLCers aren't the only people to have waited on Monroe.

The LLC was out of their chairs and moving towards the counter before I had exited the revolving doors. "Why the rush?" I asked myself. "Are we trying to catch a matinee screening of 'Love, Actually' today?" It turned out that falafel connoisseur Rob Anderson, who teamed with fellow LLC Godfather Dan "Spoiler Alert" Spira in selecting this week's location, possesses an ability to predict lines usually reserved for sports bookies and obnoxious moviegoers.

All the way to the door the entire time we were there.

We beat the traffic, but as a result I was significantly unprepared to order. At the front of the line I received some last minute guidance from Anderson, who praised the chicken as "their best plate." Still, I found myself being asked what I'd like while still struggling to pocket my headphones and find a place to stow away my new sunglasses (these would later be tried on by all LLC members with mass approval. "Everyone looks great in these," said one LLC member). When I finally recovered the wherewithal to look at the menu I caught sight of the "All In Platter," and, knowing this to be the ultimate LLC outing of the season I had no choice but to put all my chips, fries, cole slaw, and various other side dishes on the line. Both Spira and I went all in, but he took it to the next level when we reached the vegetable selection. With a regal upward facing palm he slowly motioned over his kingdom of cucumber, lettuce, tomato, cabbage, and multiple mystery vegetables and told the girl "I'll have, uh...everything."

I really put a lot of effort into the photography this week

The staff, while friendly, fell well short of the customer service standard set by The Proprietor of the home of The LLC's last falafel frenzy, Taza. What I Dream of Falafel lacked in overly generous, somewhat insane looking bearded patriarchs they made up for in providing museum like levels of hygiene. Several times during the meal I took note of the the extremely sanitary surroundings and had to remind myself I wasn't at the planetarium or Field Museum cafeteria.

Another example of excellent camera work

No time was wasted as the group immediately went to work at the table. "You did a much better job of filling that than I did," Spira said, admiring Anderson's propensity (or is it proclivity?) for pita packing. Pita problems left much room for improvement at I Dream of Falafel. A warmer, thicker, more flavorful pita could have made a good lunch into a great one. It's this type of missed opportunity that makes a difference come tournament time.

Going all in was the right decision. My platter was an endless heap of delicious meats and fresh vegetables. Unlike the single note flavor experience I stomached at La Cocina I found that each bite of my lunch was unique based on the type of meat I happened to be shoveling down my falafel hole. "It's good," said Spira of his falafel, "but it's not blowing my mind." Mind blowing falafel seems like a lot to ask for. I don't think my mind has been sufficiently blown since the first time I saw The Matrix.

The All In Platter, also pictured: New Shades (upper left)

Looking down at his All In Platter Spira wondered aloud if, out of context, anyone would be able to identify what it was actually comprised of. Dan Ofman explained, "When you go all in, you don't always know what you're getting." I would later return this nugget of wisdom in the form a sarcastic barb, prompting Ofman to reconsider his stance. "That doesn't make any sense," he reasoned, "you know exactly what you're getting. It says so on the menu."

LLC Tournament Update...

Anderson, seen here pondering the merits of an LLC Tournament
ranking system

With another 16 restaurants under our belts (and possibly expanding said belts) it is time to plan the second Loop Lunch Club Tournament. Scheduling is expected to be a series of Hartemayer-esque crises, so keep checking for updates. A tentative bracket selection ceremony is penciled in for Wednesday, May 23rd. Brackets and information on how to order LLC merchandise will be disseminated as they arise.

I Dream of Falafel Notes:

• Absence of Steve Lake due to crisis and Danny Rubenstein due to absence of Steve Lake.
• Rob "Sign My Emails With Initials" Anderson had monogrammed cuffs (above)
• Following the lead of Dan Spira The LLC gathered outside after the meal and one by one raised a celebratory fist of camaraderie and accomplishment, though it took some peer pressure to get RBA involved (below)

Siam Rice

"Romantic and entertaining...for older teens." - Film critic Nell Minow on 'Love, Actually'

The last time The Loop Lunch Club indulged in Thai cuisine I limited myself to only one 'thai' based pun: Rubens-thai-n. Danny "Hugh Grant" Rubenstein was quick to point out my inaccuracy, stating the correct pronunciation is Rubens-teen. This, appropriately, makes him the oldest teen I know and therefore part of the proper demographic for his all time favorite Rom-Com, 'Love, Actually'.

Falling in line with the popular colloquialism "Once you go Thai, you never go awry" The LLC met for the penultimate lunch of our seemingly all Asian cuisine themed second tour this past Wednesday at Siam Rice at 117 N Wells. Steve "Late" Lake made this week's selection and, in being reliably late, left the on time Ofman brothers with the opportunity to both absorb the surprisingly chic ambiance of Siam Rice while also grumbling incessantly about our fellow Late Lunch Clubbers.

"Notice the lateness of everybody," Dan "Fan Tong" Ofman said to me as I looked out past the bar seating at the tranquil, low hanging conic light fixtures. "Disappointed in the promptness," continued Rice Bucket Ofman as I took note of the autographed posters of several critically acclaimed stage productions, including Broadway mainstays like The Lion King, Wicked, and Bring It On - The Musical! Also hanging at Siam Rice were multiple "bless this mess" suburban kitchen decor wooden signs that I would never have associated with Thai food. Then again, who am I to question a 2003 "Thai Select" honoree (below).

Coincidence they were awarded the same year Love, Actually hit theaters? Also wondering, is this as prestigious as Baker's Square's plaque from the American Pie Council?

I tried to explain how I, being the life of the party, should be
allowed to sit right away, but it was lost in translation

Eventually, after much waiting (left), The LLC got a chance to sit down and check out the menu. Like most Thai menus the dishes are numbered to eliminate the childish giggling of immature Americans who can't keep a straight face when ordering items like Phuket Noodles (#35). "I feel compelled to order a chef's recommendation," Said Dan Spira as he rolled his sleeves up, and then quickly back down following a breeze from the door. It was right about the time the spring rolls hit the table that Danny "Preview Popcorn" Rubenstein made his first undetected and unappreciated reference to 'Love, Actually.'  The spring roles were about as bland and predictable as Rubenstein's mainstream taste in movies.

With the extra week of anticipation between LLC outings there was plenty of time for experienced Siam Rice patrons to tout the unsurpassed speed in which dishes were prepared and served. I could have written this blog post in the time we waited. "They're off their game," said Late Lake. "Definitely off their game," echoed special guest Soandso Deli? (I have no idea what this guy's name is). The expected wait time of 7.5 minutes, decided on through an extended email chain, was surpassed by a large margin. This didn't sit well with Spira, who, staring at me with hungry eyes stated, "20 minutes..."

Looks like caramel, right?

Food finally arrived for all but Late Lake and myself, who were left to pine for our pineapple fried rice as the others dug in. This extra waiting didn't curry favor for a positive review. As always, that pun was intended. As I waited our waitress returned and asked if there was anything else we needed. "I think they still need their food," Rubenstein said, removing all doubt concerning whether my lunch would be spit in.

Notice the chunks on the side

"Ryan Gosling," I heard Late Lake say out of context, "what a babe!" Before I could inquire my food arrived to a chorus of rave presentation reviews. "That's a big mound of rice," said Spira, who in sitting next to me in a somewhat loud restaurant has been quoted a ton this week. He went on to call my addition of peanut sauce to the fried rice a "smart move." I would have preferred the pineapple chunks to be mixed into the rice but that was an easily remedied demerit that was more than overcome by the positive response I had to finding cashews in the mound of rice. "It's tart and amusing, but carries a slightly cloying aftertaste," I thought to myself of my lunch, which is strange because that's the same thing film critic Judith Egerton said of 'Love, Actually.'

"Pretty good," Rice Bucket Ofman said of his onion-free rice, "I'm enjoying it." Chewing his bendy straw and looking at the satisfied faces of The LLC he further observed, "A lot of clean plates today."

When asked if he had a passing infatuation with Thai food Rubenstein
replied, "No, it's love, actually"

Siam Rice Notes:

• After punning that Rubenstein's wealth of pop culture knowledge warranted the nickname "Googlestein" Dan Ofman pointed out that he's been on fire with his jokes the last two weeks.
• Absence of Godfather Rob "Too Busy, Forgot" Anderson due to lack of prioritizing.
• Chop sticks on request only.
• Rubenstein must have used the word "zing" approximately 12 thai-mes.

Silk Road

"Some scholars prefer the term "Silk Routes" because the road included an extensive network of routes." - Wikipedia

Scholars from the "Silk Routes" school of thought are what we normal people call "nerds." This is evidenced by both their failure to recognize the obvious aesthetic superiority of "Silk Road," and more alarmingly by the fact that they have continued in their studies of the Silk Road beyond 6th grade World History.

This is a picture of Silk Road

Yesterday, while enjoying our semi-monthly urban camel caravan The Loop Lunch Club came across Silk Road at 19 S La Salle, where, like the hungry Mediterranean businessmen of centuries past we stopped in to sample some of the Oriental exports. Unfortunately, China's main export that day was Americanized generic fast food. I'm referring, of course, to the food court staple that every American regards with equal parts disgust and shameful craving.

This is the brick road leading
to Silk Road

"It's better than Panda Express," said Dan Spira, though he'd later lament the inferior quality of Silk Road's single compartment containers as worse than their dual-action Panda Express counterparts. The separation of entrees and sides would have done wonders in negating the effects of over-saucing. "My one gripe with this orange chicken," Said Dan Ofman, brandishing the word 'gripe' in place of so many more popular alternatives, "is that it's too saucy."

Window signage at Silk Road informs traveling merchants and LLCers alike of the daily specials, which are expansive in that they include every chicken dish every day. Not a bad deal. The most popular item is the spicy chicken that Danny Rubenstein (the selector of this week's spot) explained is "very spicy already" as he added extra spicy sauce to his meal.

Remind me to eat more vegetables that aren't slathered in Silk Road sauce

The restaurant is laid out like a game of minesweeper. There are a lot of safe tables for anywhere from 1-7 people to sit, though there are also smelly bomb zones where extremely large people clog up the aisles and end your fun. The seating arrangement at our table was cramped, fostering an intimate atmosphere of sharing that, like most meals involving multiple Ofman brothers, was for me an outflow of resources.

Rookie Rick, seen here making
an offer you can't refuse in
front of a meal you should refuse

Making a guest appearance at this week's meeting was Rookie Rick Ofman, the most scholarly of all LLC guests. When Rookie Rick was instructed to learn from his mistakes regarding the limits of his debauchery the history teacher responded, "I can't!"

Silk Road did have a few redeeming qualities. The egg roll was pretty good. "Gooey, warm, and cripsy," said Dan Ofman. Mine may been a bit too crispy, just ask my original fork (below). No doubt you're curious as to why I, a man who discussed his proclivity for chopsticks with such vigor in his review of Hot Woks Cool Sushi, would be using a plastic fork to begin with. The answer, sadly, is that Silk Road didn't offer, and may not have had any chopsticks available.

After falling on hard tines

"You will find an outlet for your
creative genius and accomplish a
great deal." Damn Straight.

Portions at Silk Road were substantial. "They give you a lot of food," said Rubenstein. He'd go on to clarify this statement by adding, "It's not not a lot of food." Despite the large portions orders were dished up extremely fast. My tray, complete with fortune cookie, was pushed my way before I had even pocketed my wallet. "Rubenstein only goes places with free cookies," said Steve "Exception to the Rule" Lake, who arrived punctually.

Even the serving spoons look like they're trying to escape

In my experience, food that sits beneath a hot lamp in a big tray that rests over warm water typically develops a watery, diluted flavor. My chicken and cashews meal was no exception. It was bland, over sauced, and only redeemed by its not being fried and therefore not making me feel as bad as I otherwise might have. Still, I ended the meal by stating, "Well, I feel terrible."

"Yeah," said Dan Ofman, "I do not feel good." Silk Road's product exemplifies the difference between food that satisfies hunger versus food that violently destroys an appetite. Unlike Rick Ofman, I hope to learn from this mistake.


Silk Road Notes:

• I'd like to apologize to "Silk Routes" scholars. A brief study of the subject revealed that it is in fact very interesting material and the term "Silk Routes" would be more accurate. I suggest a compromise of "Silk Roads."
• Reminiscent of his infamous "11:45 SHARP" email Rubenstein insisted to the group to "bring your chopsticks" yet failed to bring his own.
• The menu board was in the style of a Vienna Beef stand
• Walking past Maxim's I failed to catch a glimpse of Ms. Russia. She must be playing hard to nyet.

Maxim's Restaurant

"I judge a restaurant by the bread and the coffee." - Burt Lancaster

As much as it pains me to question the judgment of the man who played Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham, The Loop Lunch Club believes that to truly go the distance in finding the Loop's best lunch spot one must possess a more thorough criteria. Thus, we also place a great deal of importance on waitress attractiveness. This week's LLC meeting at Maxim's Restaurant at 20 N Clark featured a delicious roast served by the new love of my life and possible Ms. Russia 2009, our waitress. As for the bread, well, we'll get to that later.

Maxim's is the latest stop on Diner Dan Ofman's tour of the OK. "It's eerily similar to Petro's," Ofman said, taking in the painted murals, jazz piano soundtrack and foreign accents of the staff. The darkened windows and diner menu offered levels of depression and predictability reminiscent of a Cubs' season. Thankfully the prices were more reasonable than Wrigley's, and the same can be said of Maxim's chances of winning the World Series. "Just what you need on a cold windy day," Ofman said as he eased his pain with a steaming mug, "hot coffee!" Moonlight graham smiled from the corner booth over his creamed corn.

The menu at Maxim's is printed daily and is as all encompassing as this blog's readership, including everything from omelets ("pan blended at ultra high speed"), to Italian pastas, Mediterranean dishes, and even BBQ ribs. I could see myself spending a day there. With all the worldwide flavors what fascinated me most were the "Businessmen's Specials." I didn't bother looking them over, assuming I'd be refused service on account of my denim pants, unpressed shirt, and pure lack of professionalism and career ambition. Rob Anderson inquired to our lovely waitress what these specials were about. "It's just a title," she said, combining a down to earth honesty with a voice from heaven.

The calm before the storm

Perhaps it's rooted in my never eating breakfast before school growing up, but there's something in the upbringing of the Ofman brothers' psyche that requires us to order omelets as often as possible. When ordering his Ham and Cheese Dan Ofman asked Ms. Russia if he could substitute soup for his toast. "No," She said, with just enough grace to be pleasant while still being adequately harsh and derisive for someone faced with such a silly question. The result was a bagel. "The bagel is a better value than the toast," Said a consoling Dan Spira. "Heartier," said Anderson as he placed a comforting hand on the shoulder of his defeated Lunch Club colleague.

Danny "Fair Warning" Rubenstein arrived just as we finished ordering and immediately commented, "Our waitress could be a super model." My heart filled with jealousy and my eyes shot daggers at the social media expert who had the audacity to look at my future wife. Considering I don't yet know her name perhaps it'd be appropriate for me to scale down the possessiveness. For now.

How many people have taken more pictures
of omelets than I have?

I thought my Denver omelet was one of the best I've had as an LLC member. Maybe it was the balanced fillings, exceptional fluffiness brought about through the ultra high speed pan blending, and spot on cheese distribution, but it could have something to do with the fact I knew whose delicate hands had served it to me.

With a solid roll Anderson believes it could be "excellent"

Anderson and Spira both ordered the California chicken sandwich (Is it implied that Spira orders anything with the word "California" along with a diet Coke or do I still have to report this each week?).  Both were pleased with their sandwich, though struggled to truly enjoy it because it was lacking in Lancaster's primary requirement: bread. It was served on straight out of the bag, untoasted, flimsy Wonder Bread. "It's a shame," said Anderson as he shook his head at the sandwich that might have been, "because I really like the contents." The bread bashing went on for quite some time. We asked rye, Maxim's asked rye not? We said sourdough, Maxim's said sourdon't. It was a fatal flaw that will crush Maxim's chances in the bracket.

At least 1,000 words in this one

In the end, besides the bread, The Loop Lunch Club agreed that Maxim's had the best diner food we've had to date. I personally would love to go back for a second date.

Maxim's Notes:

Beautiful handwriting. It appears
our relationship is intimate enough
that she calls me Am now.

• Shockingly long and well-informed discussion concerning the philosophical consequences of the curse in Beauty and the Beast.
• While collecting money for the check (right) there were just enough small bills to make perfect change. "Bang-a-Rang!" Said Anderson.
• Absence of Steve "Late" Lake, though I'm sure he'll visit soon after reading this post. After all, If you blog it, he will come.