Heaven on Seven

"The chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis'. One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger, but recognize the opportunity." - John F. Kennedy


I can't say with absolute certainty that when JFK gave this public address in 1959 Indianapolis that he was speaking directly to Chris Hartemayer, though I am pretty sure he was.  How else can one explain Chris's amazing ability to overcome the the constant crises that riddle his career and home life and turn seemingly insurmountable problems into delicious Cajun lunch outings? Crisis Chris didn't merely evade a self imposed scheduling crisis in organizing The LLC's fifth meeting this week, he faced it head on with the confidence and grace of a man who prevails over crises as often as WBBM radio provides local traffic and weather updates.

I've never been to New Orleans, but I can't imagine it's authentic to have this much Mardi Gras crap on the walls

This week the LLC took a trip down to the bayou and up to the 7th floor of the Garland Building at 111 N Wabash for the Cajun offerings of Heaven on Seven, a colorful and cluttered Louisiana diner hidden high up in the Chicago skyline.  Upon entering we were greeted by a balding host with an insincere smile and a napoleon complex.  This man would later yell at our waitress, a very pleasant young lady who did an excellent job solving the diet coke refill crises that Chris continuously burdened himself with due to an unnatural and unquenchable thirst for 0 calorie refreshment. The restaurant's interior looked exactly as I imagine Stacey King's kitchen pantry looking like if Kyle Korver decided to appease the color commentator's demanding appetite for spice and actually gave him a bottle of hot sauce every time he attempted a three point shot.

I was surprised the bottles were only decorative until I considered expiration dates

Having a Midwestern upbringing in both language skills and culinary tastes made the menu at Heaven on Seven read like a Stephen King cookbook in which every chapter frightens you although you already know it ends in a stomachache.  As a group The LLC seemed to possess a very limited collective knowledge of the Creole food culture.  None of us knew what qualified a sandwich as a po' boy and I'm still unclear on what jambalaya is or how anyone who doesn't worship Satan can eat 'voodoo sauce' before noon and live to tell the tale.

Fittingly, I had my own crisis this week.  After lunch I was headed straight to my first day on a new job, so what could I order off a menu where every item is either 'southern fried' or contains words I don't understand without the assurances that come with carrying a travel sized bottle of Pepto Bismol?  Astonishingly, I opted for the BBQ pulled pork po' boy.  This choice was in part due to alliterative appeal but mainly because it was the only option that wasn't a complete wild card.  I found the po' boy to be exactly like every other sandwich I have eaten. My first bowl of gumbo did not inspire a desire for more gumbo in my life.  My first fried green tomato could very well have been my last.

Oh Boy Po' Boy! I can feel the heart burn already

Without LLC godfathers and quote machines Dan Spira and Rob Anderson in attendance this week's meeting lacked the usual offbeat discussions.  To fill the void we attempted to describe Mr. Spira's personality to our guest diner, a man whose name and origin are unknown to me.  "In four words," began Nick Nikitas, who had clearly used this line before, "more than a gentleman." I chose a more specific description: "Average golfer." In retrospect I could have added, "fantastic celebrity impressionist and deadpan food critic."

While this review may come off as a tad negative, I still very much enjoyed the food, atmosphere, and company while dining at Heaven on Seven.

Heaven on Seven Notes:

• A second "cash only" financial crisis for Chris in only 5 weeks
• Above average accessibility due to 7 fully functional elevators
• They were out of the freshly squeezed lemonade by 11:30
• Upon reaching the street after the meal Dan Ofman, motioning to an alleyway and clutching his gut, had this to say, "I don't need a bathroom, I can just throw up over there."

Perry's Deli

"I thought I had an appetite for destruction, but all I wanted was a club sandwich." - Homer Simpson

Homer comes to this realization at the end of an episode in which he takes cannonball fire to the stomach at a nearly fatal rate.  Lunching at Perry's Deli at 174 N Franklin is like taking cannonball sized club sandwiches to the stomach at a fatal rate.  Perry's, chosen by Nick Nikitas as the fourth of sixteen meeting points, is renowned for having some of the most sizable sandwiches in town, but are they big enough to satisfy The LLC?

I found the metallic spider ventilation system pretty neat

Perry's has an old school feel to it.  Framed head shots and photos of The Three Stooges, Lucille Ball, The Ratpack, and of course, Ditka cover the walls but are disappointingly lacking in autographs.  Sprinkled among the smiling celebrities are warnings concerning the "no cell phone" policy.  The staff enforces this rule through the use a blaring siren that will not stop until the call ended button is pressed and the offending patron is evil eyed by the entire customer base.  The staff does not smile while they sound the alarm, which I twice confused for Rob's ringtone.  The technophobic stance fit well with the choice of programming on the two flat screen televisions: Off.

These men must really hate the alarm, it's pretty loud

The patrons at Perry's Deli were generally older, balder, and more bespectacled than those of the previous three LLC locations.  The line leading to the counter could easily be confused with a casting call for a documentary about the GOP or possibly a police line up of white collar criminals, though the two options aren't necessarily mutually exclusive.

Perry's menu claims their sandwiches are "the biggest and best in Chicago (and maybe even the world)." Dan Spira wasn't convinced, stating, "I doubt it." He then wiped his hands slowly before reiterating with confidence, "I highly doubt it." Perhaps a bigger sandwich can be found somewhere out there, but that's not to say Perry's weren't absolutely massive.  Each colossus required two plates as a foundational support along with four extra durable toothpicks to maintain the structural integrity of its triple decker deliciousness. After consuming only half of mine I blacked out.  When I came to my belt was unbuckled, the second half of my sandwich was encased in saran wrap and I was covered in a cold sweat that smelled suspiciously of coleslaw and russian dressing.

I've seen dogs on the street smaller than this.  Am I supposed to eat it or be eaten by it? Looks like Rob ate all of his in one bite, doesn't it?

"I like the bread," said Anderson as he smiled to Nikitas, acknowledging his top-notch selection.  Nikitas, seated at the head of the table, was clearly having a fantastic day.  Not only had he made a great selection for The LLC but he had also passed the CFA exam and planned to play virtual golf instead of go back to work in the afternoon.  Much like the possible outcomes in a game of "Apples to Apples" the potential for fun in his day was VIRTUALLY LIMITLESS! To use an antiquated phrase, it was Nikitas Time.

Perry's Notes:

• A sign in the door instructed visitors to "pull hard".  No "push hard" sign was necessary upon exiting as anyone who had eaten there could lean their newfound poundage into the door and force it open with ease.
• Absence of Chris "Crisis" Hartemayer due to a crisis.  Special guest appearance by Ryan "The Anti-crisis" Carlsen
• In light of Nick's wonderful day, a heated debate took place over the hypothetical inconsistencies of a real life "Groundhog Day" scenario.

The Pittsfield Cafe

"The diner is everybody's kitchen"- Richard Gutman

By walking through the revolving doors of the Pittsfield Building at 55 E Washington I wasn't merely entering the venue for this week's LLC meeting, I was entering a different plane of existence. Outside I was a typical man of the modern age, slaloming around pedestrians sporting UV protected shades and a humiliating dependency on iPhone powered GPS. Inside I found myself in the dimly lit golden atrium of another era. The home of the Pittsfield Cafe was reminiscent of a 1950's Grand Central Station, or for members of my generation, the Great Hall at Hogwarts. Continuing with the latter analogy, one may say the menu was as dense as Hogwarts: A History, offering page after page of breakfast specials, lunch combinations, and everything from fresh coffee to all day bloody marys.

The cafe itself is a small, Greek influenced sit down diner with a popular carryout service. It seamlessly integrates the old and the new, both in ambience and clientele. Along the walls an alternating pattern of still life paintings and flat screen televisions hang above the business professionals and older greek gentlemen who represent the extreme minority of people who don't look pretentious donning fedoras.

Chris skillfully averts a pre-meal crisis

Gutman was right. Each member of The LLC may as well have been in their own kitchen whipping up whatever they had a taste for. Between the six of us we enjoyed everything from a Caesar wrap to a BBQ pork sandwich to two "build your own" omelets. Dan Ofman experienced the full spectrum of poultry by ordering his omelet with chicken breast. Personally, it seems strange to me to eat chicken and eggs simultaneously. I'll let you form your own opinions on the matter, fair or fowl?

"I've never had pastrami with cheese," Said Dan Spira, slowly nodding his head in approval, "but I like it."

Service was quick and our waitress offered friendly recommendations to help guide us through the multi-volume menu. Refills were both unlimited and unrelenting. The volume of water, coffee, and diet soda that continuously flowed into our glasses was somewhere between the quantity of tears shed by Rob Anderson after the series finale of "Man vs. Beast" and the total perspiration produced by John Daly throughout the opening round of the PGA Championship.

The Greek influence on display in the ancient lettering of the bill.  Good thing there's a Rosetta Stone app

A wonderful experience was had by all at the Pittsfield Cafe.

Pittsfield Notes:

• Billy Joel began playing just as my omelet was placed in front of me. Heaven on Earth.
• Chris "Financial Crisis" Hartemayer couldn't pay for his meal due to a crisis.

The Berghoff

"The feeling of friendship is like that of being comfortably filled with roast beef; love, like being enlivened with champagne." - Samuel Johnson

Being a team player I felt compelled to make an unsanctioned visit to The Berghoff without the other members of The LLC.  But, showcasing the utmost class, the Dans of The LLC volunteered to accompany me back to the site of the first week's meeting.

 

Arriving a few minutes ahead of schedule I began to appreciate the sense of history that passerby displayed as they stopped to take in the aura of the restaurant.  In fact, a group of Italian tourists were so impressed with the storefront that they felt inclined to walk by in both directions. Twice.  Upon entering I immediately felt as though I didn't fit in.  Mostly this was due to the heel of my sandal becoming wedged under the door, literally not letting me fit into the restaurant.  Once inside I was overcome by the sense that I wasn't in a restaurant, but rather a bank.  Portraits of old white-haired men looked down on me as I waited in line to make a roast beef withdrawal from an androgynous, knife wielding teller.  From there I was directed to wait once more for a sloth like, old white-haired bartender to serve me a glass of water.

Neither of the Dans made any positive comments concerning their roast turkey, corned beef, mashed potatoes or spinach.  However, that didn't stop Dan Ofman from consuming the second half of his sandwich using his patented "vacuum mouth" technique.

"I look stupid," said a remorseful, full mouthed Ofman 

Though my roast beef did leave me comfortably fill I failed to experience the champagne induced feelings of love and friendship that Mr. Johnson so eloquently described above.  My side of Berghoff chips, unfortunately, could not be cashed in. Unlike the previous outing's falafel these cottage style fries were crispy on the outside and crispier on the inside. That's too crispy.

The best any of us could say was "Not bad."  Not bad means not good, which is how I imagine The Berghoff will fare come bracket time.

Berghoff Notes:

• A dangerous discrepancy between stool leg lengths resulted in a reflexive display of balancing prowess that simultaneously stalled conversation and saved The Berghoff from a costly legal battle in which I'd have been represented by The LLC's very own Dan Spira, Esquire, who is kept on retainer.
• Discussion of the poor carry out potential as well as yet another conversation involving feeling uncomfortable on a boat. Perhaps an every week point of interest? I hope not.
• A post meal trip was held by the two Ofmans to scout the as of yet unannounced location for the next meeting of The LLC.  It looks quite good.

The Oasis Cafe

"Genie, wake up and smell the hummus!" - Aladdin

The Oasis Cafe, located at 21 Wabash, served as the second contender in The Loop Lunch Club circuit (Unfortunately I had not yet joined The LLC for the inaugural consumption at The Berghoff Restaurant at 17 W Adams, though I've heard their root beer is excellent). 

Much like the speaker of today's quote, The Oasis Cafe could carry the moniker "Diamond in the Rough." A jewelry store stands in as the Cave of Wonders, challenging hungry patrons to resist the shimmering jewels that surround them as they make their way to the counter in the back of the store.  Long lines of LED bulbs and flashing diamonds create the feel of a paparazzi laden, possibly magic, red carpet ride for anyone strolling to the cafe.  The reality is far less glamorous as the scene quickly shifts from elegant jewels to food court cafeteria, complete with personal trays and styrofoam cups.  Like most mediterranean joints there isn't much need to read the menu as most entrees have been photographed and plastered along the counter in a series of blown up laminates.

Dan Spira, who had dined at The Oasis Cafe "more than five...but less than ten" times prior to the LLC meeting was responsible for the choice but failed to offer any recommendations to the group as he quickly made for the counter.  Service was quick and efficient, maintaining a steady flow of customers that made the duplex dining area appear busy but never overly crowded.

In no time our table found itself supporting a smorgasbord of shawarma, falafel and kabobs.  "Crunchy on the outside, soft on the inside," said Rob Anderson, declaring his falafel to be "maybe the best I've ever had." My chicken shawarma, on the other hand, tasted a little dry and I found the rice to be lacking in character.  Despite these shortcomings, I left feeling highly satisfied and without fear of an afternoon food coma.  As the meal concluded the general consensus was that we had discovered a serious competitor. Delicious, affordable, and fast. 

Looks to be lacking character, right?

Week 2 Notes:

• Absence of Chris "Crisis" Hartemayer, who couldn't attend this week's meeting due to a crisis.
• Much discussion of strippers, pontoon boats, and the perils of combining the two on inland Wisconsin lakes.
• Abrupt, abrasive adjournment of the meal by Rob's obnoxious ring tone

The Loop Lunch Club

6 Men, 16 Restaurants, and 1 Mission: To find the best lunch spot in downtown Chicago's Loop.  We are not food critics and we are not competitive eaters; however, criticism and competition are the essential tenets comprising The Loop Lunch Club’s philosophy.  We have a collective appetite for the journey and an incessant craving to find the best of the best.  Together, we hope to satisfy our hunger through our quest.  To achieve our goal we will audition a new restaurant every week for 16 weeks.  At the conclusion of this period a bracket style tournament will be conducted to decide which eatery, café, bistro, diner or grill has what it takes to be The Loop Lunch Club Champion. 

Welcome to The LLC