Silk Road

"Some scholars prefer the term "Silk Routes" because the road included an extensive network of routes." - Wikipedia

Scholars from the "Silk Routes" school of thought are what we normal people call "nerds." This is evidenced by both their failure to recognize the obvious aesthetic superiority of "Silk Road," and more alarmingly by the fact that they have continued in their studies of the Silk Road beyond 6th grade World History.

This is a picture of Silk Road

Yesterday, while enjoying our semi-monthly urban camel caravan The Loop Lunch Club came across Silk Road at 19 S La Salle, where, like the hungry Mediterranean businessmen of centuries past we stopped in to sample some of the Oriental exports. Unfortunately, China's main export that day was Americanized generic fast food. I'm referring, of course, to the food court staple that every American regards with equal parts disgust and shameful craving.

This is the brick road leading
to Silk Road

"It's better than Panda Express," said Dan Spira, though he'd later lament the inferior quality of Silk Road's single compartment containers as worse than their dual-action Panda Express counterparts. The separation of entrees and sides would have done wonders in negating the effects of over-saucing. "My one gripe with this orange chicken," Said Dan Ofman, brandishing the word 'gripe' in place of so many more popular alternatives, "is that it's too saucy."

Window signage at Silk Road informs traveling merchants and LLCers alike of the daily specials, which are expansive in that they include every chicken dish every day. Not a bad deal. The most popular item is the spicy chicken that Danny Rubenstein (the selector of this week's spot) explained is "very spicy already" as he added extra spicy sauce to his meal.

Remind me to eat more vegetables that aren't slathered in Silk Road sauce

The restaurant is laid out like a game of minesweeper. There are a lot of safe tables for anywhere from 1-7 people to sit, though there are also smelly bomb zones where extremely large people clog up the aisles and end your fun. The seating arrangement at our table was cramped, fostering an intimate atmosphere of sharing that, like most meals involving multiple Ofman brothers, was for me an outflow of resources.

Rookie Rick, seen here making
an offer you can't refuse in
front of a meal you should refuse

Making a guest appearance at this week's meeting was Rookie Rick Ofman, the most scholarly of all LLC guests. When Rookie Rick was instructed to learn from his mistakes regarding the limits of his debauchery the history teacher responded, "I can't!"

Silk Road did have a few redeeming qualities. The egg roll was pretty good. "Gooey, warm, and cripsy," said Dan Ofman. Mine may been a bit too crispy, just ask my original fork (below). No doubt you're curious as to why I, a man who discussed his proclivity for chopsticks with such vigor in his review of Hot Woks Cool Sushi, would be using a plastic fork to begin with. The answer, sadly, is that Silk Road didn't offer, and may not have had any chopsticks available.

After falling on hard tines

"You will find an outlet for your
creative genius and accomplish a
great deal." Damn Straight.

Portions at Silk Road were substantial. "They give you a lot of food," said Rubenstein. He'd go on to clarify this statement by adding, "It's not not a lot of food." Despite the large portions orders were dished up extremely fast. My tray, complete with fortune cookie, was pushed my way before I had even pocketed my wallet. "Rubenstein only goes places with free cookies," said Steve "Exception to the Rule" Lake, who arrived punctually.

Even the serving spoons look like they're trying to escape

In my experience, food that sits beneath a hot lamp in a big tray that rests over warm water typically develops a watery, diluted flavor. My chicken and cashews meal was no exception. It was bland, over sauced, and only redeemed by its not being fried and therefore not making me feel as bad as I otherwise might have. Still, I ended the meal by stating, "Well, I feel terrible."

"Yeah," said Dan Ofman, "I do not feel good." Silk Road's product exemplifies the difference between food that satisfies hunger versus food that violently destroys an appetite. Unlike Rick Ofman, I hope to learn from this mistake.


Silk Road Notes:

• I'd like to apologize to "Silk Routes" scholars. A brief study of the subject revealed that it is in fact very interesting material and the term "Silk Routes" would be more accurate. I suggest a compromise of "Silk Roads."
• Reminiscent of his infamous "11:45 SHARP" email Rubenstein insisted to the group to "bring your chopsticks" yet failed to bring his own.
• The menu board was in the style of a Vienna Beef stand
• Walking past Maxim's I failed to catch a glimpse of Ms. Russia. She must be playing hard to nyet.

Maxim's Restaurant

"I judge a restaurant by the bread and the coffee." - Burt Lancaster

As much as it pains me to question the judgment of the man who played Dr. Archibald "Moonlight" Graham, The Loop Lunch Club believes that to truly go the distance in finding the Loop's best lunch spot one must possess a more thorough criteria. Thus, we also place a great deal of importance on waitress attractiveness. This week's LLC meeting at Maxim's Restaurant at 20 N Clark featured a delicious roast served by the new love of my life and possible Ms. Russia 2009, our waitress. As for the bread, well, we'll get to that later.

Maxim's is the latest stop on Diner Dan Ofman's tour of the OK. "It's eerily similar to Petro's," Ofman said, taking in the painted murals, jazz piano soundtrack and foreign accents of the staff. The darkened windows and diner menu offered levels of depression and predictability reminiscent of a Cubs' season. Thankfully the prices were more reasonable than Wrigley's, and the same can be said of Maxim's chances of winning the World Series. "Just what you need on a cold windy day," Ofman said as he eased his pain with a steaming mug, "hot coffee!" Moonlight graham smiled from the corner booth over his creamed corn.

The menu at Maxim's is printed daily and is as all encompassing as this blog's readership, including everything from omelets ("pan blended at ultra high speed"), to Italian pastas, Mediterranean dishes, and even BBQ ribs. I could see myself spending a day there. With all the worldwide flavors what fascinated me most were the "Businessmen's Specials." I didn't bother looking them over, assuming I'd be refused service on account of my denim pants, unpressed shirt, and pure lack of professionalism and career ambition. Rob Anderson inquired to our lovely waitress what these specials were about. "It's just a title," she said, combining a down to earth honesty with a voice from heaven.

The calm before the storm

Perhaps it's rooted in my never eating breakfast before school growing up, but there's something in the upbringing of the Ofman brothers' psyche that requires us to order omelets as often as possible. When ordering his Ham and Cheese Dan Ofman asked Ms. Russia if he could substitute soup for his toast. "No," She said, with just enough grace to be pleasant while still being adequately harsh and derisive for someone faced with such a silly question. The result was a bagel. "The bagel is a better value than the toast," Said a consoling Dan Spira. "Heartier," said Anderson as he placed a comforting hand on the shoulder of his defeated Lunch Club colleague.

Danny "Fair Warning" Rubenstein arrived just as we finished ordering and immediately commented, "Our waitress could be a super model." My heart filled with jealousy and my eyes shot daggers at the social media expert who had the audacity to look at my future wife. Considering I don't yet know her name perhaps it'd be appropriate for me to scale down the possessiveness. For now.

How many people have taken more pictures
of omelets than I have?

I thought my Denver omelet was one of the best I've had as an LLC member. Maybe it was the balanced fillings, exceptional fluffiness brought about through the ultra high speed pan blending, and spot on cheese distribution, but it could have something to do with the fact I knew whose delicate hands had served it to me.

With a solid roll Anderson believes it could be "excellent"

Anderson and Spira both ordered the California chicken sandwich (Is it implied that Spira orders anything with the word "California" along with a diet Coke or do I still have to report this each week?).  Both were pleased with their sandwich, though struggled to truly enjoy it because it was lacking in Lancaster's primary requirement: bread. It was served on straight out of the bag, untoasted, flimsy Wonder Bread. "It's a shame," said Anderson as he shook his head at the sandwich that might have been, "because I really like the contents." The bread bashing went on for quite some time. We asked rye, Maxim's asked rye not? We said sourdough, Maxim's said sourdon't. It was a fatal flaw that will crush Maxim's chances in the bracket.

At least 1,000 words in this one

In the end, besides the bread, The Loop Lunch Club agreed that Maxim's had the best diner food we've had to date. I personally would love to go back for a second date.

Maxim's Notes:

Beautiful handwriting. It appears
our relationship is intimate enough
that she calls me Am now.

• Shockingly long and well-informed discussion concerning the philosophical consequences of the curse in Beauty and the Beast.
• While collecting money for the check (right) there were just enough small bills to make perfect change. "Bang-a-Rang!" Said Anderson.
• Absence of Steve "Late" Lake, though I'm sure he'll visit soon after reading this post. After all, If you blog it, he will come.

La Cocina

"If God dwells inside us like some people say, I sure hope he likes enchiladas." - Jack Handy

Disclaimer: The appearance of God in this week's quote isn't meant to coincide symbolically with either the rise of Christ or the descent of leavened bread. The LLC is resolute in its separation of church and lunch policy (regardless of whether we eat on State St).

Readers, do you recall The Loop Lunch Club's recent visit to Pollito's Grill and Rotisserie? Of course you do. Well, then imagine there was another mexican restaurant that, outside of color scheme, was exactly the same and was located just next door at 45 N Wells. Same local artwork, same layout, same menu, only it's called La Cocina. I realize that you don't routinely visit this blog for my in depth culinary analysis so instead of copy and pasting the Pollito's post I'll treat you to a few hundred cleverly arranged words that recount The LLC experience and La Cocina. Vamanos!

Behind the wall painted to look like a classic Ofman
household beach towel you can see a woman leaving
Pollito's

The festive music and bright orange walls made sitting at La Cocina feel like being in the studio audience of a south of the border Nickelodeon game show. To keep with the youthful atmosphere I couldn't help but order an imported bottle of Mexican Coca-Cola. Congratulations are due to the branding team and Coca-Cola, for even me, a cynical, media savvy consumer tasted it and thought, "This tastes like a nostalgic bit of Americana." Did I mention La Cocina esta al lado de Pollito's? Si? Bueno. In fact, I could see inside of Pollito's from where I sat at La Cocina (right). I almost attempted this entire paragraph in spanish but decided that instead of butchering spanish vocabulary and syntax I'd stick with bending the rules of English grammar.

While the food at La Cocina is authentic the prices aren't necessarily so. As Steve "Late" Lake pointed out (after arriving late), the digital menu reflects changes that are yet to be adjusted on the physical, old school analog menu. Despite the confusion I'm glad they upgraded because I've been trying to find more ways to look at screens in my day to day life.

Godfathers Rob Anderson and Dan Ofman, along with myself, caved under the pressure of a rapidly expanding line and left the table prior to the arrival of some LLCers. "Pretty standard," said Anderson after reviewing the, well, pretty standard options. Menu items are available individually or as part of a dinner combination. I asked my colleagues what constituted a dinner and Ofman explained, "Rice and beans," and then offered some brotherly guidance, pointing out these sides were "a must." Anderson then mumbled with religious solemnity, "very important."

It's a good thing Nikitas isn't still with The LLC, or he would most
certainly have hit his head on the low end of the ceiling 

La Cocina's staff works quickly to keep the line moving. One man is engaged in a perpetual battle of logistics trying to minimize wasted space and ensure that any available surface area is utilized. His main prerogative is maintaining La Cocina's violation of maximum occupancy laws. Although he saved us from the drafty table by the door and delivered some prompt (though scarce) tortilla chips, he was understandably frustrated with our empty chairs. "Are you sure you're going to be six?" He asked several times as we waited on Late Lake and Dan "Delayed" Spira. "Isn't it tough to deal with people who are consistently late?" Asked an unnamed LLC member who had run out of slack for Late Lake's lack of timeliness.

As much as I touted The Proprietor at Taza for excellent customer service I have to credit the man behind the counter at La Cocina for an equally impressive job. What he lacked in jokes and free falafel he made up for by single handedly moving the line. Watching him multitask was poetry. His arms moved so fast it was as though he had as many as an elderly saguaro. Don't let that last analogy make you think he was a prick, though. Zing!

The food arrived right away for most of us. Fittingly, Late Lake got his last following a comment about how much he wanted to eat it. "Ask and you shall receive," said three-time guest Eric Moore. Moore went on to describe salsa as "Mexican ketchup."

Eric Moore's Morsels

"In addition to the line," Said Spira, airing his grievances, "they need something to put salsa in." I didn't try either variety of salsa. Spira was right, for I would have tried both if there were a dish to put them in. I did however get a chance to eat my enchiladas dinner, and while it was good I thought it could have been more dynamic. With so many unique ingredients I was looking for a medley of flavors and found more of a singular note. Each bite was good, but each bite was also the same. I was bored with it by the end.

Clean plates were commonplace at our table. From Dan "I'm partial to a good burrito-I love burritos" Ofman's burrito to Danny "Health Kick" Rubenstein's taco salad everyone seemed pleased with the food.

"I thought the food was good," Said Spira.

Here's an unrelated video of me throwing a couch off of a building...

Notas de La Cocina:

• My initial worries concerning the number of hipsters were unfounded. By the time we left Spira was the hippest guy there.
• "Can we note it's too loud in here?" Said Steve "Man Made" Lake as he spilled his water loudly.
• I really picked on Steve this week. Sorry buddy.