Ronny's Steakhouse

"All that is gold does not glitter, Not all those who wander are lost." - J. R. R. Tolkien

It wasn't the fiery depths of mount doom but rather the crowded escalators of the Thompson Center that brought about the wandering of The Loop Lunch Fellowship this past Monday. Our efforts to locate Ronny's Steakhouse at 100 W Randolph for the 8th meeting of The LLC resulted in what will surely go down as the exception that proves the rule: Steve "Mr. Punctuality" Lake was the first and only member of The LLC to arrive on time.

I'm writing this from seat 26F, 37,000 feet above the sprawling farmland of the Great Plains en route to fabulous Tucson, Arizona. I hope to finish before we land, otherwise I'll never be able to post this entry. What happens in Tucson, stays in Tucson. With this window seat view above the clouds I'm afforded a new perspective on life and on lunch. Suddenly, the fact that my $7.95 steak special was upped to $14.00 by adding bacon, sour cream, and cheese to my baked potato no longer seems like an injustice worthy of being upset over. However, $6.00 worth of fixins had a predictably upsetting effect on my stomach.

This is actually a Domino's thin
crust corner piece

"If you finish that (potato)," said Dan Ofman, "you won't wake up tomorrow." Rob Anderson then piled on the challenge by observing, "there are more condiments than potato." I'm just glad nobody made me hold it up beside my head for a size comparison. This has happened before with embarrassing results (right).

Ronny's is a cafeteria style restaurant with a dark wood trim and chic olive green leather booths with backrests reaching 6 feet above ground. The elegance of these interior design elements is far overshadowed by the buckets of rib tips and endless placards advertising daily specials. Ronny's menu is a lot like kindergarten, everyone is special. The entire surface area of the non-dining space is wallpapered in signs for specials. It's like an overly informative driving range with distance markers every yard. Only here instead of golf balls you're driving country-fried steak, polish sausages, and severely overloaded baked potatoes down your throat and the signs help you gauge your distance not from a pin, but from oncoming heart attacks.

Just one of the clusters of specials signs at Ronny's

The man behind the counter, possibly Ronny himself based on his enthusiasm, was friendly though unable to turn off his sense of urgency. Despite accounting for 100% of the line The LLC was rushed through the ordering process. I'm certain I missed out on something special.

Some of the healthy options Ronny's offers

Before Dan Ofman began a thirty-minute sales pitch on a business plan to garner "instant millions" sometime in the distant future Rob "Steak Sauce" Anderson presented me with Ronny's own brand of steak sauce, which was liberally applied across the table. I wasn't very pleased with my steak. Of the 8 ounces that constituted it prior to cooking I'd estimate 1 oz. was cooked off, 1 oz. was bone, and 1 oz. was unchewable lard. "My cut of steak is too fatty to bite through," said Steak Sauce Anderson. Continuing with the negativity I'll point out my chef's side salad was drenched in ranch and only had 1 crouton. However, my potato was a real winner. Mounds of melted cheddar and bacon bits smothered in sour cream is a hard recipe to screw up. Come to think of it, I don't remember the potato even being present on the plate.

There's a potato in there somewhere, I'm almost certain of it

"There's too much gravy," said Dan Ofman of his Country Fried Steak (special). None of these shortcomings bothered Lake, a steakhouse of a man to begin with. "This is an early contender," said the satisfied rookie. "I can see us coming back here." I'll assume he meant "us" as in "Rubenstein and I."

As we finished eating it was brought to my attention that I had unknowlingly polished off my entire baked potato. I reacted to this news by stating, "Just thinking about sitting up straight right now is an exhaustive and straining activity."

Needless to say, it was a special experience.

Ronny's Notes

• Absence of Dan Spira and Danny Rubenstein due to crises.
• I wouldn't want to meet the person who gets to Ronny's before 11AM to take advantage of the "Breakfast Bonanza" special.
• Dan Ofman hit a three point shot in his most recent recreational men's league basketball game, proving he was one of the top five athletes in his graduating class.