Monk's Pub

"I can think. I can wait. I can fast." - Siddhartha

After consuming a massive cheeseburger at Monk's Pub at 205 W Lake I think I can easily wait until sundown tomorrow before breaking my fast.  Monk's was Nick Nikitas's choice as the tenth meeting spot for The LLC. Not unlike Nick's previous pick, Perry's Deli, Monk's offered exorbitant portions and grandiose self-proclamations, claiming their burgers were the "Best of Chicago." But would The LLC judge them to be worthy of such a title?

Following some brief confusion concerning unnecessary reservations that in all likelihood were never made and most certainly were not held the knights of The LLC took their seats at a round table.  The wall opposite us held a large bookshelf stocked with vintage books that at first were believed to be props but to the surprise of Chris Hartemayer were indeed quite real.  We sat in the glow of specially designed Schlitz lighting fixtures that illuminated the dusty barrels and halloween decorations that surrounded the rafters.  Halloween, though normally not a holiday I associate with the religion and piety of monks, was in full swing at the pub as small ghosts were hung throughout the establishment, haunting cunstomers with their cold, wicked, lifeless eyes.

The Monastery

Monk's Pub was designed to resemble an actual monastery where the owner spent a blissful childhood summer. The overall effect is more Medieval Times than Westminster Abbey. There was a major disconnect somewhere between the backdrop of asceticism, the spiritual practice of self-denial and foregoing materialistic goals, set against the music of Ke$ha, a sex symbol pop star who can't even endorse her million dollar checks without using a profit-centric signature.

Normally when one orders a Diet Coke at a restaurant that serves Pepsi the waitress will say, "Is Pepsi ok?" and the customer will say, "Of Course!" Diet Coke drinkers at our table received no such disclaimer while ordering and were shocked to discover they had been served Diet RC Cola.  Sure, they got free refills...but who wants a refill of Diet RC Cola? Needless to say the service at Monk's left much to be desired, first and foremost silverware.  It was Crisis Chris himself who solved the no forks crisis by resourcefully using his straw to stab a boneless buffalo wing (Dedicated readers will recognize that I could have aptly referred to these wings as "buffalo tenders").

I can't believe he ate the whole thing.

Although we all tried a "Best of Chicago" burger, we managed to order a variety of styles. Chris ordered the Cajun Burger, stating, "I want a little spice in my meal." Also on our table was Dan Spira's California Burger with a side of curly fries that he was "pretty happy with." Dan Ofman's unprecendented decision to try the split pea soup may have been the second bravest act I've ever seen him perform. Followed by the bravest, eating it.

Chris Hartemayer expressed apparent disappointment in the quality of his french fries by comparing them to those of McDonald's. Later, after lamenting the lack of spice in his meal he clarified, "The fries are good...I like McDonald's fries."

When asked if he believed his burger was the best in Chicago Dan Spira briefly stopped emailing to respond pointedly, "Probably not." He's right, they probably aren't the best in the city but they are good enough to be in the discussion. However, as evidenced by the photo below, I'm not sure if Dan Spira had ever eaten a hamburger before in his life.

Most people prefer to start at one side and work their way to the other

Monk's Notes:

• Rob Anderson should heed the warning of Comic Book Guy: "Oh, loneliness and cheeseburgers are a dangerous mix" when he visits Monk's alone after missing this outing.
• CNN instead of ESPN. Best headline: "Florida to create jobs by lifting ban on dwarf tossing"
• Yet another financial crisis for Chris. This one not solved by straw poking.